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Last Page Update
02/27/08 |
Category: Airlines
Advertisement: Flight Attendant #1
Date: 2/00
Joke:
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety
lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this
airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to
switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay
inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on
the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes
over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant
on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead
compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has
shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to
YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It
works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and
pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now
which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to
have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not
leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the
best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The
flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know
what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the
pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to
please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew
have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire
smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick
your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks
for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting
through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US
Airways."
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The difference between a duck and a copilot? The
duck can fly.
A check ride ought to be like a skirt--short enough to be interesting, but long
enough to cover everything
Speed is life. Altitude is life insurance.
It only takes two things to fly: airspeed, and money.
The three most dangerous things in aviation:
A Doctor or Dentist in a Cessna
Two captains in a DC-9.
A flight attendant with a chipped tooth.
Aircraft Identification: If it's ugly, it's British. If it's weird, it's French.
If it's ugly and weird, it's Russian.
Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another very expensive flying club.
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good
bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to
experience all three at the same time.
The similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up,
the pilot dies. If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
The difference between flight attendants and jet engines -- the engines quit
whining when they get to the gate.
New FAA motto: "We're not happy, until you're not happy."
A copilot is a knot-head until he spots opposite direction traffic at 12
o'clock, after which he's a goof-off for not seeing it sooner.
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter--it's about to.
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.
Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground,
buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly
in the edges.
Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful
landing attempt: "You've got to land here son. This is where the food is."
Never let it be said that ground crew and
engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance
complaints and problems, known as "squawks," submitted by QANTAS pilots and the
solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way Qantas is the only major
airline that has never had an accident.
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
*************************************************
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*************************************************
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
*************************************************
P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal
seepage.
*************************************************
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*************************************************
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
*************************************************
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*************************************************
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*************************************************
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*************************************************
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
*************************************************
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*************************************************
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
*************************************************
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*************************************************
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
*************************************************
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
*************************************************
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it
reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The
weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth flight, Now sit back
and relax. - OH MY GOD!" Silence Then, the captain came back on the
intercom and said: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared
you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of
coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
pants!"
A passenger in Coach said: "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had
spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when
who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his. "Oscar, what
happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped
up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth
chattering. "I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here
by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.
"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more
suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport,
see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes
in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"
So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while
stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar
- looking more chilled and miserable than before. "Listen," said
Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited
till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and
cozy that I dozed right off." "And so?" asked the first flea.
"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!"
Category: Airlines Aviation
Advertisement: PICTURE THIS videography service : commercials $99. All other
videography available at lowest prices. All digital. Call anytime (480)755-8219.
Tempe, Arizona
Date: 5/15/00
Joke:
A TRUE STORY : Working at an airline, you hear about alot of blunders and
mishaps, but none were more amusing than this one :
While some luggage handlers were unloading the plane, they came upon an animal
cage ... inside they found a dead , middle-aged German Shepard. In an effort to
protect the airline from any liability, the supervisor quickly left the airport,
found a replacement pooch, returned to the airport and completed the
"switch-er-oo". The passenger had been waiting awhile, but when the dog finnally
arrived in the bagage claim area , the passenger freaked out . She was screaming
and crying ... no-one understood what was happening. Finally the passenger began
exclaiming "It's a MIRACLE !" over and over. The crew was asking her what she
meant, and when she calmed down , she said : "This has been our dog for years,
he finally died a couple of days ago, we were bringing him home to be buried".
Category: Airline
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
I said, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled and nodded knowingly, 'That's why we ask.'
Category: Airline
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke:
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The
turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by
lighting.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the
plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then yells, "Well if I'm going to die,
I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my
life, but no one has ever made me feel like a woman! Is there ANYONE on this
plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?
For a moment there was silence. Everyone had forgotten their own peril, and they
all stare, riveted at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a
woman," he said.
He is gorgeous. Tall, built, with long flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he
starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and
extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron
this".
Category: Airlines
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke:
An exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta.
As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a very
attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she reached
toward him for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and exposed himself.
"I'm sorry sir," she said politely, "but you have to show your ticket; not your
STUB."
Category: Airlines
Advertisement: Flight Attendant #1
Date: 1/99
Joke: A few items from the Airline Dictionary...
Carry On Bag - An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow managed to
fit under the passenger's seat on the inbound flight. Regardless of what the
passenger says the following are not acceptable as carry-on items: bicycles,
refrigerators, truck tires, or wide screen projection TVs.^
Flight Schedule - An entertaining work of paperback fiction.^
On Time - An obscure term, meaning unknown.^
Fog - A natural weather phenomenon which usually occurs around an airport while
the surrounding areas are clear. Fog is controlled by the airlines and is used
to delay flights.^
Air Traffic Control - A game played by airline pilots and air traffic
controllers. The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played, but
the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for passengers to make
connecting flights.
Category: Airlines
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke:
True story about the passengers on board a recent Northwest Airlines flight to
Boston during Hurricane Bob. The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the
storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the
flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about
half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic lined
bags in their pickets to good use.
When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves,
and the captain's voice came on over the intercom: "Well, folks, that was quite
some ride, wasn't it! But we came through it fine, just the way we always do,
and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be
much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you
very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a
pleasant stay in Boston."
After a short pause and several clicks, there came a few words more.
"Damn, Damn Damn- whadda bitchin' ride! Boy- I sure could use a cup of good
strong coffee and a blow job right about now."
As a stricken flight attendant dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the
captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her:
"Don't forget the coffee!"
Category: Airlines
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 8/22/99
Joke: Signs You've Chosen a No Frills Airline:
* They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
* All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
* Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
* You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
* Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
* The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
* When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
* The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
* You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."
* No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
* You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
* All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
                  
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