The Clintons

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Category: Clinton.
Advertisement: BobL
Date: 1/27/00
Joke: Hilarys political advisers decided that her chances of winning in New York would be enhanced if she made a name change that would separate her from Clinton. The best name they could come up with was Sharon Peters.

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Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.

"Just think," he said, "When I am President, I could have a gold urinal, too. But I wouldn't do something so self-indulgent!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill: "I found out who pissed in your saxophone".

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it, but couldn't and the old cow was killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of expensive wine in one hand, an expensive Cuban cigar in the other and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened?" asked Hillary. "Well," the driver replied,

"the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I said I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the old cow."

An airplane was about to crash, and there where 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger, George W. Bush said, "I am the President of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being leader of nearly 300 million people and a superpower." So he takes the first parachute and jumps out of the plane.

The second passenger said, "I'm Antoine Walker, one of the best NBA basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me so I can't afford to die." So he takes the second parachute and leaves the plane.

The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, " I am the wife of the former President of the United States, I am New York's Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world". So she takes the third parachute and exits the plane.

The fourth passenger, an old man, says to the fifth passenger, a 12-year-old Boy Scout, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left so as a Christian gesture and a good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The Boy Scout said, "it's okay, there's a parachute left for you.
The world's smartest woman took my backpack."

SIX PRESIDENTS ...
Six presidents are on a sinking ship.
Ford says, "What do we do???"
Bush says, "Man the life boats!"
Reagan says, "What lifeboats?"
Carter says, "Women first!"
Nixon says, "Screw the women!"
Clinton says, "You think we have time?"

Dear Abby:

My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but
he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider
and has many friends and supporters but they know he's a
lying cheat they only avoid the issues.

He is a very hard worker but many of his coworkers are
leery of him. Every time he gets caught he first denies it
all, then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to
forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone
in town knows he is a cheat. I don't know what to do.

Signed: Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:

Why don't you move to New York and run for the Senate!

A man goes to the White House and asks to see President Clinton...

The Marine on duty tells the guy that Clinton isn't President, and to please leave.

The man goes away. The next day he comes back to the White House and asks to see President Clinton. The marine on duty reminds him that Clinton is not President, and to please go away.
The man goes away. The next day, he comes back again, and again the same Marine is on duty. The man asks to see President Clinton, and the Marine, his patience worn out, says, "WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING HERE ASKING FOR HIM? CLINTON IS
NOT PRESIDENT ANYMORE!!!"

The man smiles and says, "I know, I just like hearing it."

Dear Mr. Clinton,

I recently saw a bumper sticker that said, "Thank me, I voted for Clinton-Gore." So, I sat down and reflected on that and I am sending my "Thank you" for what you have done, specifically:
1. Thank you for introducing us to Jennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Monica Lewinsky, Dolly Kyle Browning, Kathleen Willey, and Juanita Broderick. Did I leave anyone out?
2. Thank you for teaching my 8 year old about oral sex. I had really planned to wait until they were about 10 or so to discuss it with them, but now they know more about it than I did as a senior in college.
3. Thank you for showing us that sexual harassment in the work place (especially the White House) and on the job is OK, and all you have to know is what the meaning of "is" is. It really is great to know that certain sexual acts are not sex and one person may have sex while the other one involved does NOT have sex.
4. Thank you for reintroducing the concept of impeachment to a new generation and demonstrating that the ridiculous plot of the movie "Wag the Dog" could be plausible after all.
5. Thanks for making Jimmy Carter look competent, Gerald Ford look graceful, Richard Nixon look honest, Lyndon Johnson look truthful, and John Kennedy look moral.
6. Thank you for the 73 House and Senate witnesses who have pled the 5th Amendment and 17 witnesses who have fled the country to avoid testifying about Democratic campaign fund raising.
7. Thank you, for the 19 charges, 8 convictions, and 4 imprisonment's from the Whitewater "mess" and the 55 criminal charges and 32 criminal convictions (so far) in the other "Clinton" scandals.
8. Thanks also for reducing our military by half, "gutting" much of our foreign policy, and flying all over the world on "vacations" carefully disguised as necessary trips.
9. Thank you, also, for "finding" millions of dollars of excess tax money. I really didn't need it in the first place and I can't think of a more well deserving group of recipients for my hard-earned dollars than jet fuel for all of your globe-trotting. I understand you; the family and your cronies have logged in more time aboard Air Force One than any other administration.
10. Now that you've left the White House, thanks for the 140 pardons of convicted felons and indicted felons-in-exile. We will love to have them rejoin society.
11. Thanks also for removing the White House silverware, I'm sure that Laura Bush didn't like the pattern anyway. Also, enjoy the housewarming gifts you've received from your "friends".
12. And finally, please ensure that Hillary enjoys the $8 million dollar advance for her upcoming "tell-all" book and you, Bill, the $5 million advance for your memoirs. Who says crime doesn't pay! God bless America and THANK YOU (once again) for spending my taxes so wisely and frugally.

Sincerely, A U. S. Citizen
P.S. Please pass along a special thank you to Al Gore for "inventing" the Internet without which I would not be able to send this wonderful letter.

From the White House.
In view of the current election debacle, Democrats announced today they are changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom. the decision was made because the new symbol more clearly reflects their party's political stance. A condom supports inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives a sense of security while screwing others.

The Tale of Two Videos

TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.
----------------------------------------
TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
--------------------------------------------
TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and  subsequent catastrophe.

CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
  ----------------------------------------------------
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist.
--------------------------------------------------------
TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.
--------------------------------------------------------------
TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.
--------------------------------------------------------
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there.
--------------------------------------------------
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
  -----------------------------------------------
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica doesn't remember Jack.
--------------------------------------------------------------
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica...uh, never mind.
  -----------------------------------------
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary (basically the same thing)

> The White House
> Washington, D.C.
>
>
> January 19, 2001
>
> Mr. John Hinkley
> St. Elizabeth Hospital
> Washington D.C.
>
> Dear John,
>
> Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased
> we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery.
>
> In our country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness we want
> you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and
> forgiveness abroad throughout the land. Hillary and I want you to
> know that no grudge is born against you for shooting President Reagan.
>
> We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have
> driven you to such an act of desperation.
>
> As such, as one of my lasts acts as President of the country, I
> hereby issue you a full pardon and ordered your release from the
> hospital as soon as possible.
>
> Hillary and I are confident that you will have made complete recovery
> and that you should return to your family to join the world again as
> a healthy and productive young man.
>
> Best wishes,
>
> Bill Clinton
>
> P.S. George W. Bush is banging Jodie Foster

The Pope decided to grant absolution to three sinners. The first person to come up was Howard Stern. The Pope asked, "What is your sin?" "I've offended people all over the country." The Pope replied, "Kneel down. I'll bless you and grant you absolution." Next was Bill Clinton. "What is your sin?" Clinton said, "I cheated on my wife." The Pope looks at him and says, "Kneel down, my son. I'll bless you an grant you absolution." The Pope then asked a third sinner, "What is your name?" "Monica Lewinsky." The Pope said, "Maybe you should remain standing."

>>> Federal Holiday Change
>>>
>>> Announcement:
>>>
>>> The 2000 holiday schedule for federal employees.
>>>
>>> There will be two less holidays in DC next year.
>>> Halloween and Thanksgiving have been canceled.
>>>
>>> Reason: The witch is moving to New York and she's
>>> taking the turkey with her.

Our good buddy Bill Clinton was assigned a new intern named Sally. Being the polite gentleman he is, Bill went to visit Sally and ask her if she needed any questions answered. She said no, so Bill asked, "Have you seen the presidential clock yet?" Sally replied, "I haven't even heard of the presidential clock." Bill then replied, "Well let's go to my office, so I can show it to you." Sally was a little taken aback, and she stated, "With all the problems you've had lately, I don't think we should. Then Bill said, "Ahh, it's just a clock and I promise I won't try anything." Sally then agrees to go with him. Bill leads her to the Oval Office, shuts and locks the door behind them and then drops his pants to the floor. Sally is flabbergasted and says, "Mr. President, that is the presidential cock, not the presidential clock." Bill looks at her and says, "Sally, by my definition, if you put two hands and a face on it, it's a clock."

Category: Clinton
Advertisement: Free Photos for your web site at http://www.spruance.com/
Date: 6/00

They have lawyers in Heaven!!!!!!!!!!

President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven.
"And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter.
"It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World."
"Oh...Mr. President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter.
"I'd like to come in," replies Clinton.
"Sure," says the Saint. "But first you have to confess your sins.
What bad things have you done in your Life?"

Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't call it 'dope smoking' because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can't call it 'adultery' because I didn't have full 'sexual relations.' And I made some statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, but you can't call it 'bearing false witness' because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury."

With that St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And when you enter, you don't have to 'abandon all hope,' just hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

Category: Clinton
Advertisement: Free Photos for your web site at http://www.spruance.com/
Date: 4/00

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Who's clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.
"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Category: Clinton
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 3/99
Joke: Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love. Bill was quite amused at this, but didn't mention anything at the time. They exchanged hellos and went on their way.
As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today."
She smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States."

Category: Clinton
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 3/99
Joke: Bumper Stickers Seen on Cars Around Washington D.C.:

If His Private Life Doesn't Matter, Let Him Date Your Daughter
Does Character Matter Yet?
Honk If You Had Sex with the President
The Clinton Creed: Take Credit Not Responsibility
Save the President: Legalize Perjury
Three Terms for Clinton: The Third in Jail
Jail to the Chief

Category: Clinton
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 3/99
Joke: Last week a very important meeting took place among God, the Pope, and Moses. They were troubled because the President of the United States was behaving in an inappropriate manner. They decided that the only course of action was to create an 11th Commandment. But the problem remained, exactly how to word this new commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration.
After great meditation and discussion, they finally got it right...

''THOU SHALT NOT COMFORT THY ROD WITH THY STAFF.''

Category: Clinton
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 2/99
Joke:The Denver Post Reported today that Monica Lewinsky, depressed after the media comments about her figure, and wanting a new image, reported to a plastic surgeon for removal of her love handles. She emerged today with no ears.

Category: Clinton
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 2/99
Joke:
Not bad timing for this anagram
The following phrase:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA
can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into:
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Category: Clinton
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke: Subject: CLINTON IMPEACHMENT
A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"
The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"
So far only about three hundred gallons but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning."

Category: Clinton
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke:
Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter, and Bill Clinton are on the Titanic when it starts to sink:
Carter yells, "Quick, save the women and children!"
Nixon yells, "Sc*ew the women and children."
Clinton yells, "Do we have time?"

Category: Clinton
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke:
Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton get caught up in a tornado and are transported to the Yellow Brick Road, where they make their way to the Wizard of Oz. The Wizard asks what each wants.
"I want a brain," says Quayle.
"I want a heart", says Gingrich.
"Where's Dorothy ?" asks Clinton.
What did Arafat say to Clinton? "Sheep don't talk, my friend."
What's the similarity between Bill Clinton and a carpenter?
One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart.
The National Opinion Bureau of the United States (NOBUS) has today published an opinion poll conducted amongst female staff in the White House on Friday.
They were asked 'Would you ever sleep with the President?'
Of the 97 replies, 2 responded "yes", 4 "never" and the other 91 "never again."
What is Clinton's new Secret Service Code Name? Unibanger.
If Clinton gets impeached, it will actually be the first time a president was BLOWN out of the White House.

Category: Clinton
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke: President Clinton's Testimony by Dr. Seuss
I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park
I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants
I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you've been misled
I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
I never boinked Saddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I never fondled Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her round, but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I wouldn't, even with my wife
And Jennifer Flowers' tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers
I did not ask my friends to lie
I did not hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
But if I did, I don't remember
I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don't recall
I never did it in my study
I never did it with my dog, Buddy
I never did it to Sox, the cat
I might have-once-with Arafat
I never did it in a hurry
I never groped Ms. Betty Currie
There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One
I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least, not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count, if we stayed dressed
It never happened with a cigar
I never dated Mrs. Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my Mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you've caught me
But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never, never did I inhale

Category: Clinton
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke: Did you know that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic seal from a donkey to a condom, because it represents inflation, haults production, and gives you a false sense of security while you are being screwed.

Category: Clinton
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke:
Bill isn‚t sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy
If the sex is just oral, it‚s not technically immoral

Category: Clinton
Advertisement: BH1
Date: 6/15/99
A man saw President Clinton smoking a pipe and asked, "Hey Bill, I thought you were a cigar man."
President Clinton responded, "Cigars are for pussies!'

Category: Clinton
Advertisement: Spruance Enterprises has been an Internet presence provider (IPP) and Web site design company since 1995 in Fort Lauderdale FL USA - http://www.spruance.com
Date: 5/19/99
Joke: As Air Force One prepares to land, the Captain makes his customary request over the loudspeaker: "Mr. President, would you please return the stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land.

What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?
A screwdriver turns in screws, Clinton screws interns..

Did you hear that Clinton has announced there is a new National bird?
--the spread eagle--

A reporter asked Clinton one day. Was Monica lying?
Clinton responded by saying. "No she was on her knees..

Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5am?
She wants to make sure she is the first lady..

The spelling bee..Dan Quayle, Frank Gifford and Bill Clinton were in a spelling contest--
Unbelievably, Dan Quayle won! He was the only one of the three who knew that "harass" was one word..

How many White House Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None they are to busy screwing the President..

Women in Washington DC were asked if they would have sex with the President--- 86% said not again---

Clinton's team of advisors have offered the following defense...
Clinton NEVER told Lewinsky to lie in deposition! He told her to lie in this position..

What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob dole have in common?
They were both upset when Bill finished first.

What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
When Hillary is out of town..

What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle east ?
He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar..

Do you know what they found when they found when they analyzed Monica Lewinsky's dress?
A wad of Bill's..