A Large Collection of Ethnic Jokes
If Offensive Ethnic Jokes Bother You Stop Here!

Giorgio has been in the US for about 6 months and walks to work every day. Along the way he passes a shoe

store. Each day he stops and looks in the window and admires a certain pair of BALI leather shoes. After

about 3 months he saves the $300.00 the shoes cost and purchases them.

Each Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance at the church basement, so Giorgio seizes the

opportunity to wear his new BALI leather shoes to the dance.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"

Sophia, startled, says "Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"

Giorgio replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 BALI leather shoes. How do you like them."

Next, he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he says to her "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"

Rosa answers, "Yes, giorgio, I do, but how do you know that?" He answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 BALI leather shoes. How do you like them"

Now, the evening is almost over and the last song is being played. Giorgio asks Carmella to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns beet red. He says "Carmella, stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this is true."

Carmella answers, "Yes, Yes Giorgio, I wear no panties tonight...."

Girogio gasps and says... "Thanka God.... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300.00 BALI leather shoes. How do you like them???"

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.

The Grand Emir wasn't used to the salt in American food (French fries, cheese, etc.) and was constantly sending his man- servant, Abdul, to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water. But finally he returned empty-handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water??" demanded the Grand Emir.

'A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul,"but a man is sitting on the well."

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The Italian says, "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found a pack of cigarettes. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she smoked."

The Jewish man says, "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she drank."

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (read them out loud)

1) Your body odor is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?- Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) Great - Fu Kin Su Pah
4) Stupid Man - Dum Gai
5) Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan
7) This is a tow away zone - No Pah King
8) I think you need a face lift - Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here - Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) That's not right - Sum Ting Wong
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
15) See me ASAP- Kum Hia Nao
16) I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni

Bar Mitzvah Definition

And, for those of you with the patience, and enough time on your hands,  herewith are 8 from the Irish collection ...  

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders 3 pints of Guinness, and sits  in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he  finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders 3 more. Bartender says,  "Y'know, a pint goes flat after I draw it -- it would taste better if you  bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, y'see, I have two  brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm here in  Dublin. When we all left home, we promised we'd drink this way, to remember  the days when we drank together." The bartender admits it's a nice custom,  and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always  drinks the same way: orders 3 pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he  comes in and orders 2 pints. All the regulars notice and fall silent. When  he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't  want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your  great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in  his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit  drinking."

Three Irishmen are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town!" The guy ignores him and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swee-eeet!"Again the guy refuses to take the bait and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me --" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad -- you're drunk."  

Mary Sheehan is a devout Irish Catholic. She gets married and has 17  children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22  children by her next husband. Then he dies. A few weeks later, tragically  for the 39 children, Mary Sheehan also passes away. At the funeral, Father  Malachy looks heavenward and says, "At last -- they're finally together." Patrick Fitzallen, sitting in the front row, whispers, "Excuse me, Father,  but you do mean Mary and her FIRST husband, or Mary and her SECOND  husband?" Father says, "I mean her legs."  

Two Irishmen are sitting in their pub, when Mick says to Sean, "Y’know, I had me every woman in this town, ‘cept of course, me mum and me sister." Well," Sean replied, "between you and me, we got 'em all!"

The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too. The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too. As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"  

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, andshe's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "Aye, that he did, Father..."The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'"  

An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home one night and his car is weaving all over the road when a cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where you been?" "To the pub of course" slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf!" 

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery ..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Your husband Shamus is dead and gone, Brenda. I'm sorry." "How did it happen, Tim?" "Well, Brenda, he fell into a vat of Guiness and drowned." "Oh dear Jesus! You must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no, Brenda ... no ... fact is, he got out three times to pee.

Category: Ethnic
Advertisement: Visit SShaboats.
Date: 2/99
Joke:
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.
 She yells, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"
 One of the Japanese men explains, "Can't you see? We  are all berry hungry."  The waitress begs the question, "So, how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that  situation?"
 One of the other Japanese men replies, "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

Category: Ethnic
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 2/99
Joke:Upon arriving in Greece, a couple decided not to see the country the traditional touristy way but to hire a guide from one of the small villages. After finding a guide, the guide took them on a boat ride showing them the sights of Greece. After a while, they past a grove of fig trees.
After the tourists commented on the beauty of the trees, the guide says, "See all those trees? I planted every one of those trees. I nurtured every one of those trees. But do they call me Zorba the tree-planter? No."
The couple looked a little confused at his outrage but kept quiet. After about 15 minutes, they past a nice village on the bank of the river. The tourists comment on the beauty of the village.
Again, the guide goes off. "See all those houses? I built every one of those houses. With these two hands alone, I built those houses. But do they call me Zorba the house-builder? NO."
The couple again looked confused and worried about the guide's outrage. They didn't want to annoy him again. After about 30 minutes, they pass a small fleet of fishing boats. The husband comments on the boats.
"You see all those boats? I built those boats. With these two hands, I built every boat and not a one has sunk. But do they call me Zorba the boat-builder? NO!!"
The tourists stay quiet until they see something which the guide could not have built. "Look at those lovely donkeys", says the wife.
The guide looks at them and says, "Oh, but you screw one donkey..."

Category: Ethnic
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 2/99
Joke:
R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood.
When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in Miami, Florida.

Category: Ethnic
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 2/99
Joke:
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what's happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body.
"Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner.
The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
Nothing unusual here, thinks the DI, and asks to be shownthe last body.
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Irishman, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken", replies the coroner.

Blue Ribbon
Category: Ethnic
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke:
A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber, and asks how much he owes him. The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house."
The priest says, "Thank you very much" and leaves.
The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins.
A few days later, a Buddhist monk goes in for a shave and a shine, and when the time comes to pay the barber says, "No money, please, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, it's on the house."
The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep are 12 rubies.
The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay, and the barber says, "No, Rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man, I can't take any money from you, go in peace."
And the next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 rabbis.

Category: Ethnic
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke:

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:
Italian men and 1 Italian woman
French men and 1 French woman
German men and 1 German woman
Greek men and 1 Greek woman
English men and 1 English woman
Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
American men and 1 American woman
Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on this absolutely stunning deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.
The two Japanese men are waiting for instructions.
The Irish divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English aren't getting any.

Category: Ethnic
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke: Mexican Bungee

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"