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Lawyer Jokes - Legally Speaking There are Too Many of Them
(Lawyers)
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TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND
DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM AREN'T:
10.
Have you looked through her briefs?
9.
He is one hard judge.
8.
Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7.
Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6.
Is it a penal offense?
5.
Better leave the handcuffs on.
4.
For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3.
Can you get him to drop his suit?
2.
The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And
the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law firm isn't:
1.
Think you can get me off?
If you ever testified in court, you wish you could have been as sharp as this Cop.
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it
went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the
offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.
Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker
room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in
preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that
you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see, sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have
been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter,
and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this
year's "Best Comeback Line" and we think he'll win.
The "Stella" Awards rank up there with the Darwin awards. Stella
Liebeck is the 81 year old lady who spilled coffee on herself and sued
McDonald's. This case inspired an annual award for the most frivolous lawsuit in
the U.S.
The following are this year's candidates:
1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a
jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was
running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably
surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little bastard was
Ms.Robertson's son.
2. June 1998: 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr.Truman
apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was
trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
3. October 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a
house he had just finished robbing, by way of the garage. He was not able to get
the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He
couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage
locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation; Mr.Dickson found
himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he
found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance,
claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed, to the
tune of half a million dollars.
4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500
and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door
neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in a fenced-in yard. The award was
less than the amount sought, because the jury felt the dog might have been
provoked at the time by Mr. Williams, who was shooting it repeatedly with a
pellet gun.
5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson
of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and
broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at
her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier, during an argument.
6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the
owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom
window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms
Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies' room, to avoid
paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
7. And the winner is: Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City. In November 2000
Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home. On his first
trip on the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the
driver's seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not
surprisingly, the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr.Grazinski
sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn't actually do
this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnie. (Winnebago actually changed
their handbooks because of this court case, just in case there are any other
complete morons buying their vehicles.)
A Boston lawyer went duck hunting in North
Dakota. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the
other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer
drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigater
responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to
retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you
are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the
best trial attorneys in the US and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue
you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said,
"Apparently, you don't know how we do things in North Dakota. We settle
small disagreements like this with the North Dakota Three-Kick Rule." The
lawyer asked, "What is the North Dakota Three-Kick Rule?" The farmer
replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three
times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney
quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take
the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly
climbed down from the tractor, and walked up to the city feller. His first kick
planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him
to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The
barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly
caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to
get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn." The
farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
The Brothel
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather slick looking, well
dressed, gentleman. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want to
see Natalie," the gentleman replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most
expensive ladies. Perhaps, someone else..." "No, I must see
Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she
charged $1,000.00 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket
and handed her 10 $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour. Then, the
man calmly left. The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie.
Natalie explained it is was very rare for anyone to come back two nights in a
row and that there were no discounts. It was still $1,000.00 a visit. Again, the
man took out the money, the two went up to the room, and an hour later, he left.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again,
he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the
hour, Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used my services three
nights in a row. Where are you from?" The gentleman replied, "I'm from
Philadelphia." "Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who
live there." "Yes, I know," said the gentleman. "Your father
died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000
inheritance."
MORAL:
Some things in life are certain...
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by an attorney
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a
trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Ms.
Jones, do you know me?
"She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known
you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to
me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper
pusher.
Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do,
he pointed across the room and asked, "Ms. Williams, do you know the
defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a
real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. The
man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of
the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney was also surprised
and shocked.
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence and called both
counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If
either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt
!"..you understand that counselors !!!!!!
In a recent FDA study, identical doses of Viagra were administered weekly to an
equal number of doctors and lawyers.
While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply
grew taller.
Lawyer Jokes SOME OLD . . . SOME NEW (maybe)
What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities.
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.
Why does the bar prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be
recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit
on.
Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? Skeet.
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
It might be your bicycle.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the
street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.$50.00 for three
questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two
bullets. What should you do?
You shoot the lawyer.........Twice.
Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? He gets taller.
It's a shame
that 99% of attorneys give the other 1% a bad name
Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the
judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second
chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the
evils of drug use and pursued them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court
Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you
do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs
forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I
used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big
circle) is your brain before drugs and this small circle)is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded
156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you
manage to do that!" "Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small
circle and told them,
"This is your asshole before prison...."
Category: Lawyer
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 2/99
Joke: A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.
Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat.
The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the
price.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra
thousand for the story behind it."
"At that price, you can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll
take the bronze rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm.
As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain
and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk
faster, but every time he passes another sewer, more rats come out and follow him. By the
time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to
point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats
swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars... following him.
Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the
hill he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up,
squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes
racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve blocks long is behind him. Making a
mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lamp post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the
bronze rat into San Francisco Bay as far as he can throw it.
Pulling his legs up and clinging to the post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide
of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah sir, you've come back for the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a
lawyer "
Category: Lawyer
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 2/99
Joke:
What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad? Senator.
What is the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? A hooker will stop screwing you when
you're dead.
What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There
are skid marks in front of the dog.
Category: Lawyer
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 2/99
Joke:
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes
down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated top of the class from law school. Both come from
good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner
to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?"
In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr.
Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the
law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right
by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Paul replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day, and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
Category: Lawyer
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke: A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at
the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with
hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all
over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what
he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess
who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Last Page Update
02/27/12
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