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Football, Golf, Baseball, Track, Hunting and Fishing Jokes
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Frank was excited about his new
rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travels up to Alaska,
spots a small brown bear and shoots it...... Right after, there
was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big
black bear. The black bear said: "That was a very bad mistake.
That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either
I maul you to death or .. we have sex." After considering
briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative... So
the black bear had his way with Frank.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and
vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip back to Alaska
where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after,
there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly
bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said: "That was a big
mistake, Frank.....That was my cousin and you've got two
choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly
bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with
Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully
recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back
to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot
it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a
tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear
standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said: "Admit it
Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND
DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF AREN'T:
10. Damn, my shaft is
bent.
9. After 18 holes, I
can barely walk.
8. You really whacked
the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of
his putter.
6. Keep your head down
and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your
threesome?
4. Stand with your
back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so
sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice ! stroke, but
your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing
that sounds dirty but in golf isn't:
1. Hold up! I need to
wash my balls first!
The Golfer:
There's a fellow who is an avid golfer; actually, he's a golf fanatic. Every
Saturday morning he has an early tee-off time. he gets up very early and golfs
all day long. Well, this one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly,
gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car. It is raining like a
cow pissing on a flat rock!!! Not to mention there was snow mixed with the rain
and the wind was blowing 50mph.He goes back into the house and turns the TV to
the weather channel and finds that it's supposed to keep it up all day. So, he
puts his clubs back into the closet, undresses just as quietly, and slips back
into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back and whispers, "The weather
out there is terrible." She replies, "Can you believe my stupid
husband is out in it?"
Why Hockey is Better than Sex:
* It's legal to earn money playing hockey
* Many people play hockey even after they're married
* The puck's always hard
* The protective equipment is reusable
* It lasts at least an hour
* A two-on-one or a three-on-one is not uncommon
* You always know how big the stick is
* You can clean your stick in public without anyone minding
* You can change players on the fly
* You don't have to be embarrassed if you don't get the puck up
* Everyone is finished when the buzzer sounds
* Your parents cheer when you score
* Periods last only 20 minutes
* You're sure to get it at least twice a week
* You can tell your friends about it afterwards
There's a fellow who is an avid golfer; actually, he's a golf fanatic. Every
Saturday morning he has an early tee-off time. he gets up very early and golfs
all day long. Well, this one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly,
gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car. It is raining like a
cow pissing on a flat rock!!! Not to mention there was snow mixed with the rain
and the wind was blowing 50mph.He goes back into the house and turns the TV to
the weather channel and finds that it's supposed to keep it up all day. So, he
puts his clubs back into the closet, undresses just as quietly, and slips back
into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back and whispers, "The weather
out there is terrible." She replies, "Can you believe my stupid
husband is out in it?"
A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a
well dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two
dollars?" The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to
spend in on liquor are you?" "No, sir, I don't drink," retorts
the bum. "You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are
you?" asks the gentleman. "No way, I don't gamble," answers the
bum. "You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would
you?" asks the man. "Never," says the bum, "I don't play
golf." The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a
home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's
house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going
to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"
"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to
see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf."
The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The teams
performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they
are favored to win the nationals easily . Penelope, a sixteen year old hurdler
visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to
grow on my chest." "What!" the coach says in a panic, "How
far down does it go? "She replies, "Down to my balls. That's something
else I want to talk to you about."
Three golfers, a son, a father and a grandfather were getting ready to tee
off when a beautiful young woman asked if she could join them as a fourth.
All of the men eagerly agreed. The young woman asked only that they
agree not to try to coach or help her with her game. The guys said,
"no problem," and they started their round. To the
men's surprise, the woman played a wonderful round, and the men held to
their promise not to interfere. On the last hole, she needed a birdie to
score the best round of golf she had ever played. She needed to make about
a 15 ft. side hill putt for a birdie. After looking at the putt from
every direction, she just couldn't decide what it would do. Finally she
said, "I know I insisted on playing my own game, but if one of you
guys can help me make this putt, I will give him the best night of sex you
have ever had." The son, claiming to have the best
eyesight, told her he thought the ball would break about 8" to the
right. The father, claiming he had more experience on the greens
said he thought it would break more like 12" to the
right. The grandfather looked at the beautiful girl, and grinning
from ear to ear, walked over and picked up the girl's ball and handed it to
her saying, "It's a gimme".
The Indian Scout
The Indian scout for the buffalo hunters, searching for the buffalo herd, put his ear
to the ground. "Ugg", he says, "Deer come!". "How the heck can
you tell that?" asked one of the hunters. The scout answered, "Ear sticky."
Gay Sports:
Three gays were discussing what they tought their favorite sport would be.
The first guy sighs, "American Football, because all of those gorgeous guys
bending over in their tight pants."
The second guy sighs, Wrestling, because of those skimpy little costumes."
The third guy sighs, "Baseball, because I'd be pitching with the bases
loaded."
"And..." asked the other two.
The third guy continues, "The batter would hit a ground ball right to me, I'd
catch it, and I'd just hold onto it while
the other guys rounded the bases. Meanwhile, the crowd would be going crazy, and
screaming "Throw the ball,
you cocksucker!" And, that's what I like --- recognition!
At the senior citizens luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a
conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed
they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were
riding down the river when there was a fork in the river and the gentleman asks the lady,
"Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made passionate love to the man right in the boat. When finished, the man
couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that
he'd had in years. They fished for a while and then continued on down the river when soon
they came upon another fork in the river. He asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or
down?" There she went again, stripped off and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the old gentleman so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and so there they were the next day, fishing in the boat when they came upon
the fork in the river and the gentleman asks, "Well, do you want to go up or
down?" The woman replied, "down". A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the
boat down the river and when he came upon another fork in the river and he asks the lady,
"Do you want to go up or down?" She replied, "UP". This really
confused the gentleman so he asks, "What's the deal? Every time yesterday that I
asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made passionate love to me. Now today,
nothing." She replied, "Well, yesterday I didn't have my hearing aid in and I
thought you said "fuck or drown!"
A golfer whose car broke down flagged down a passing bus and got aboard. He sat down on
the bus, with his pockets full of golf balls, next to a little old lady. The little old
lady kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her he said, "It's golf balls."
The little old lady continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked, "Does
it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Rod and Reel
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get
so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart
"associate" standing there with dark shades on.
She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you
everything you need to know about it from the sound that it
makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "Thats a 6'
graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...
It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".
She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping
on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first
she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being
blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't
you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and
the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
DECEPTIVE SEX:
A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they
couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the
afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not
waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to
take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked
thinking him pretty weird.
The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where
he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having
an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making
love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those
are grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing golf again,
haven't you?"
An old man and his wife had gone to bed. After lying in bed for a few
minutes the old man cuts a fart and says, "Seven points." His wife
rolls over and says "What in the world was that?" "Touchdown.
I'm ahead 7 to nothing." A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says,
"Touchdown, tie score." After about ten minutes the
old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Now starting to get into it, the wife quickly farts again
and says, "Touchdown, tie score." The old man, not
to be outdone, strains really had but to no avail. He can't fart! So he
gives it everything he has, trying for one more fart. Straining real hard, the
old man shits the bed. The wife asks, "What the hell was that?"
The old man replies, "Half-time ... switch sides."
(1) What does the average Nebraska football player get on his SAT's?
-----Drool.
(2) What do you get when you put 32 Alabama cheerleaders in one room?
-----A full set of teeth.
(3) How do you get a Wisconsin cheerleader into your dorm room?
-----Grease her hips and push like hell.
(4) How do you get a Florida State graduate off your porch?
-----Pay him for the pizza.
(5) Why do the University of Oklahoma cheerleaders wear bibs?
-----To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.
(6) Why do they no longer serve ice at Pitt football games?
----- The senior who knew the recipe graduated.
(7) Why is the Indiana football team like a possum?
----Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.
(8) What are the longest three years of a Florida football player's life?
----His freshman year.
(9) Why did Kansas State replace natural grass with Astroturf?
-----To discourage the cheerleaders from grazing during games.
(10) How many Ohio State freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
-----None.....That's a sophomore course at OSU.
(11) Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco?
---Lafayette, IN...He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy
winner.
(12) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
----You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, & picking up trash the
rest of the week.....
A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and
the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the
shotgun and it went off, right on his penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor.
When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous
job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a
business card. "This is my brothers card. I'll make an appointment for you to
see him." The guy says "Is your brother a doctor?" "No," Doc
replies, "he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you
don't piss in your eye."
A lion in the Kansas City zoo was lying in the sun licking its butt when
a visitor turned to the zookeeper and said, "that's a docile old thing isn't
it?"
"No way," said the zookeeper, "it's the most ferocious beast in the
zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a New York Yankees fan into the cage and completely
devoured him."
"Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it
laying there licking its butt?"
"The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."
The Worst Foursome in the History of Golf
Monica Lewinski, O. J. Simpson, Ted Kennedy and Bill Clinton. Why?
Monica is a hooker, O. J. is a slicer, Ted can't drive over water, and Bill can't remember
which hole he played last.
THE "F" WORD
A man goes to the confessional and says, "Forgive me Father, for I
have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" the Priest asks.
"Well," the man starts, "I used the 'F'-word today and I feel so
terrible."
"Why don't you tell me what happened. What made you use such awful
language?" asked the Priest.
"Well, I was out golfing and I hit this incredible drive that looked
like it was going to go over 250 yards, but the ball hit a phone line hanging over
the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going about 100 yards."
"I'm a golfer myself my son" said the Priest "I understand
what you were feeling. So this is when you swore?"
"No Father," said the man, "You see, after that a squirrel ran
out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"And this is when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"No not yet. Just as the squirrel was running away, this eagle came down out
of the sky and grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"And it was then that you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet," replied the man, "Just as the eagle was flying away
with the squirrel he flew towards a wooded area next to the green. And as he
passed over it, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear then, my son?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some
bushes, careened off a big rock, and then rolled through a sand trap and on to
the green and stopped dead six inches from the hole!" told the man.
The priest sighed, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?!! .
Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to
cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly
pulled up in his pick-up truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what he
was doing on his property.
"Retrieving this duck that I just shot", he replied.
"That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine," replied the
farmer. Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to.
"No," replied the farmer. "I don't know, and I don't care."
"I am Johnny Cochran, a famous lawyer from Los Angeles," came the reply.
"I
am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free man
today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm,
your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the
street."
"Well," said the farmer, "In Montana the only law we go by is the '3
kicks law.'"
"Never heard of it," said Johnny.
The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your
feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours."
Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he
could take this old farmer.
"Fair enough," he said.
So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over,
the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him
hard in the ribs.
After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet.
"All right. Now it's my turn," said Johnny.
"Aw, forget it," said the farmer. "You can have the duck."
Q: Why was there no Cuban rowing team in the Summer Olympics?
A: Because any Cuban who can row is already in Miami!
Blue Ribbon
Category: Sports
Advertisement: JK Mortgage Group in Fort Lauderdale. (954) 525-6664 John McCrory,
President
Date: 9/29/00
Joke: WOMAN GOLFER
A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round
of golf when she suffered a bee sting. The pain was so intense that she decided to return
to the clubhouse. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why back
in so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee."
"Where?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole", she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, "Apparently your stance is too wide."
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the
purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and
Bronze." "What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks
cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly.
The wife responds wryly, "Why don't you wear Silver? It would be nice if
you came second for a change."
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became
confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of
him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he
was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you
be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same
request.
She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on
the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.He finished his
round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady
and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your
help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you
sell?" She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't." "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I
work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper
salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you."
Category: Sports
Advertisement: DW
Date: 6/00
Joke: Ladies Golf Outing
Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices
her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses
in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologizing
profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease
his pain. "No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..."
he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs. Taking it upon
herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pant
and starts massaging his genitals. "Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.
"Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits. "But my thumb still
hurts like hell."
Category: Sports
Advertisement: BF
Date: 6/00
Joke:Rules of Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted
to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied
play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival.
Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special
attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently
playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a
players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.
10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players
may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised
to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced player will find alternate means
of play when this is the case.
11. Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when
playing a new course for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate
if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.
12. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce
the visibility of the hole.
13. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play
the backside.
14. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker
pace at the owners request.
15. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole
several times in one match.
Category: Sports
Advertisement: JB
Joke: A sorority girl went to the doctor for a routine check-up. The doctor asked her to
take off her shirt for a breast exam. When she did, there was a big letter T across her
chest. The doctor exclaimed, "What the heck is that?" The woman replied,
"My boyfriend plays for Tennessee and doesn't like to take his shirt off during
sex."
"Oh, I see," the doctor said.
The next week another sorority girl came in and had a big P across her chest. The doctor
said, "What the heck is that?"
She said, "My boyfriend plays for Pittsburgh and doesn't like to take his shirt off
during sex."
"Oh, I see," the doctor said.
The next day, another sorority girl came in and had a big W across her chest. The doctor
said, "Let me guess. Your boyfriend plays for Wisconsin, and doesn't like to take his
shirt off during sex."
"No," she said, "my girlfriend plays for Michigan!"
Blue Ribbon
Category: Sports
Advertisement: SW
Joke:
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.
Woods turns to Wonder and says "How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"
Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've
got that right now."
Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop
playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all
right."
Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?"
Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"
Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me.
I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to
where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the
green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and
call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Woods asks: "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and
never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to
play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night!"
Blue Ribbon
Category: Sports
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 3/99
Joke:
A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage,
when the new bride says to the husband,
"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up
and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" says the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some
food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that. "
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love with his new wife a
second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" She says.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some
food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more
time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts
to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole."
Blue Ribbon
Category: Sports
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 3/99
Joke:
Rules for Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course, must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out
of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club shall have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted
to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner
is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied
permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the
course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with
special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played. Upset courses they
have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course
owners have been known to damage player*s equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been scheduled, particularly
when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to
become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all time. Some players may
be embarrassed if they find a course is temporarily under repair.
12. The course owner is responsible for the manicuring and pruning of any bush around the
hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play
the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared toproceed at a quicker
pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole
several times in one match.
16. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
Category: Sports
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 2/99
Joke:
Two Missouri boys are playing football when one of the boys is attacked by a rabid
Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off the nearby fence, wedges it
down the dog's collar, and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A Kansas City Star reporter hears about the incident and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Chiefs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his
notebook.
"But I'm not a Chiefs fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in Missouri I just assumed you were," says the reporter,
and he starts again. "Rams Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he jots in
his notebook.
"I'm not a Rams fan either," the boy responds.
"I assumed everyone in the state of Missouri was either for the Chiefs or the
Rams." "What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Denver Broncos fan." the boy says.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Bastard
Kills Beloved Family Pet."
Blue Ribbon
Category: Sports
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 2/99
Joke:
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group
of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15
minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a
word with him."
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't
they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost
their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for
free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will
say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my opthalmologist buddy and see
if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Category: Skiing
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke:
Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as
written in this account by a New Orleans paper.
A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms
the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes,
basic numbness all over, the "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a
restroom. He told her not to worry that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of
the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of
course, and the pain did not go away.
If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of
12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her
options.
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of her pain, suggested that since she was wearing
an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he
assured her. The white would provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the
tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the
side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skis so
you don't move.
Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving,
even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing
backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and onto
another slope. Her front and back bottom were still bare, her pants down around her knees,
and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued on backwards, totally out of
control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers.
The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally
collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to
pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show,
then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to
a hospital.
In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put
in the bed next to hers.
"So how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.
"It was the damnedest thing you ever saw," he said, "I was riding up this
ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing
backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes
and her pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I
didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."
"So how'd you break your arm?"
Category: Golf
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 8/23/99
Joke:
Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday.
Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town and they were talking about trying
to fill out the foursome.
A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?"
They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they could see what they
thought. They all agreed and she
said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and
wound up setting
a course record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse
congratulated her.
Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back
the next week and she said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."
Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and
matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed,
and they asked her to join the group for keeps.
They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide
if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my
husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his member is pointing to the right, I golf
right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, I golf left-handed."
One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?"
She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."
Category: Sports
Advertisement: BH1
Date: 7/11/99
Joke: A couple met at Myrtle Beach and fell in love. They were
discussing how they would continue their relationship after their
vacations were over.
"It's only fair to warn you Linda." he said.
"I'm a golf nut. I live... eat... sleep... and breathe golf."
"Well..." Linda said, "since you're being
honest, so will I. I'm a hooker."
"I see." he said pensively. Then, he smiled
and said.... "It's probably because you're not keeping your
wrists straight when you hit the ball."
Category: Sports
Advertisement: JMc1
Date: 6/22/99
Joke:
Subject: Jordan vs. Gates
The answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?":
Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of
30 minutes per game.
With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not.
If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums
dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at
the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390
for that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account
(401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at
$65,000 a year.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.
He'll make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant,
he'll pull in about $5600.
This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their
terms combined.
Amazing isn't it?
However, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have less
than Bill Gates has today.
**Game over. Nerd wins.**
Last Page Update
02/27/12
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