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Last Page Update 02/27/08

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A Drunk at the Supermarket:
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier. He said, "You must be single." The woman, a bit startled, but intrigued, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, "Well, y'know, that's right. But how in earth did you know that?" The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier 'n shit."

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The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself.

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A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.
"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls!!"
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says,
"You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"

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Brain Cells:

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That`s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

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A man walks into a bar sits down and say, "Bartender, got any specials today?"
Bartender says, "Yes, we have mixture of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Smirnoff Vodka."
Man says, "Damn, what the hell is that?"
Bartender says, "Well we call it a Pabst Smir!"

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It was a hot day in Escanaba, MI. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a  roast in the oven, then went downstairs to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, It's hot," she said to herself as she walked down Main Street on her way to the store. she passed by an airconditioned tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she wanted to drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot, I tink I vill have myself zee ice cold beer."The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?" Helga blushed and replied, "Vell its fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?" 

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You may be over indulging if:
You show up at the flu clinic to investigate rumors of "free shots."
You have a born-on date tattooed on your beer gut.
You're addressed by three separate liquor store owners as "the guy who paid for my sportfishing boat."
You often confuse the word breakfast with Bloody Marys - i.e., "What are we going to have for Bloody Marys this morning?"
You know that liquor is especially tasty when it comes from the secret hiding place in your roommates closet.
You can, in a pinch, construct a fully-operational keg tap from a cigarette lighter, two clothespins and lots of love.
You get in a heated conversation with your barstool neighbor about the proper way to vomit from a moving vehicle.
At 2 AM you proclaim, "The party ain't over until the fat lady says no!"
You need a cosigner to open a bar tab.
The monkey on your back is in rehab.
You know that, with a bouncer's assistance, man is capable of short-term flight.
You have a recurring dream you're hired by the Guiness/Playboy Research Foundation to prove twenty pints a day improves your sex life.
You often take your lover for romantic strolls among the picturesque aisles of liquor superstores.
You will eat a bug for a shot.
You know wine is mentioned in the Bible over 250 times. Perrier? NOT ONCE!!!
You have strained cigarette-butt infested beer through your teeth.
You consider 3.2 beer on Sunday as Uncle Sam's cruel taunt.
You can hear someone whisper "Free Beer" from three blocks away.
You know the heartbreak of watching the bartender dump the spill tray.
You call the bartending academy, inquiring as to what they do with their mistakes.
You refer to your refrigerator as "the stand-up beer cooler."
You give directions with liquor stores and bars as the major landmarks, i.e., "You'll pass Argonaut's Liquors on the left and Scooter's on the right, then turn right on the street between the Satire Lounge and the Lion's Lair, then continue until you see the tree that looks like a huge martini glass."
You think vomiting is the body's way of making room for the next round.
The first thing you look for on a wine label is the alcohol content.
You consider Aqua Velvet a daring after-hours liqueur.
You recognize last call as a secret signal that all unattended drinks are fair game.
When someone says "expensive wine," you think "gallon jug."

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A woman was shopping in the local supermarket where she selected a quart of milk, eggs, a carton of juice, and a package of bacon.As she unloaded her items at the cash register to pay, a drunk standing behind her in line watched her place the four items on the belt and stated with assurance, "You must be single."

The woman looked at the four items on the belt, saw nothing unusual about her selection and said, "That's right. How on earth did you know?"

He replied, "Because you're so ugly."

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A guy spots a nice looking gal in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off, he asks her name.
"Carmen," she replies.
"That's a nice name," he said warming up to the conversation.
"Who named you, your mother?"
"No, I named myself," she answered.
"Oh, that's interesting, why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes.
"And what's your name?" she asks.

"Beerfuck."

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Subject: New Liquor Laws :
WARNING LABELS
Important Amendments to the Liquor Licensing Laws Due to increasing products liability, alcoholic beverages Manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all bottles.
1.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
2.Warning : Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker.
3.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.
4.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
5.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your clothes.
6.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
7.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung Fu powers.
8.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over inthe morning and see something really scary (whose name, and/or species you can't remember).
9.Warning : Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
10.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.
11.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
12.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.
13.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
14.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
Please ensure all fellow staff members are made aware of these pending alterations to our Liquor Licensing Laws.

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This man went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by  her self at the bar, he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took  to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek,  the guy said "Your really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"   The flattered girl told him it was Channel #5. Then wanting to return the  compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"   "Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it,"  the guy replied.  

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Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."--by Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. --Frank Sinatra

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --Ernest Hemingway

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? --Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- Brian O'Rourke

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh,I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862!

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

To some its a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.

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Category: Bar
Advertisement: Spruance Enterprises has been an Internet Presence Provider in Fort Lauderdale FL since 1995. Visit us at http//:www.spruance.com for a free estimate.
Date: 06/00
Joke:There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua out
walking their dogs.
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua,
'Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.'
The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'We can't go in there. We've got dogs
with us.'
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, 'Just follow my lead.'
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts
on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says,
'Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.'
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, 'You don't understand. This is
my seeing-eye dog.'
The guy at the door says, 'A Doberman Pinscher?'
He says, 'Yes, they're using them now, they're very good.'
The guy at the door says, 'Come on in.'
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, 'What the hell,' so he puts on a pair
of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, 'Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.'
The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'You don't understand. This is my
seeing-eye dog.'
The guy at the door says, 'A Chihuahua?'
The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?

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Blue Ribbon
Category: Bar
Advertisement: Spruance Enterprises has been an Internet Presense Provider in Fort Lauderdale FL since 1995. Visit us at http//:www.spruance.com for a free estimate.
Date: 3/99
Joke:A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
The father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells his son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!". The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild, but the bartender is clearly disapproving. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

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Category: Bar
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 2/99
Joke:
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

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Category: Bar
Advertisement: Could we interest you in a truly all natural weight loss product that's very affordable and absolutely works when taken properly?! Lv. msg. and # @ 925-978-0173
Date: 1/20/00
Joke:In a bar a mathematician may use a certain pick-up line to really make
his mark stick, what line would that be? An ass-otope!

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Category: Bar
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke:
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks.
Curios, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too!
Let's have another drink to Dublin!" The men both continue drinking.
Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"
"St. Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."

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Category: Bar
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke: Great Comebacks
Attention female readers! Are you sick and tired of those stupid old pick-up lines that men continue to use? Here are some great comebacks!
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

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Blue Ribbon
Category: Bar
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke:
Two friends are sitting at a bar. After a bunch of drinks over several hours, one guy hiccups, drops his head down to his chest, pushes himself away from the bar, and proceeds to hurl all over himself.
Wiping his mouth off on his shirt sleeve, he says, "Man, I gotta go home. I'm already 2 hours late, and now I've thrown up all over myself. The ole' lady is gonna kill me.
The second guy turns to the first and says, "Naw she won't. Listen, you got twenty bucks?"
The first says, "Yeah, why?"
The second drunk says, "Take the twenty and put it in your front pocket. When you get home and your wife asks what happened, you tell her some guy threw up on your shirt and he gave you twenty bucks for the dry cleaning. I do it all the time.
The first guys says, "Great idea! Let's have another round", & the two continued to drink for the next couple of hours.
Eventually they head home.
Sure enough, the first guys wife is waiting up for him. As he walks through the door, she takes a look at him and says, "Look at you! You're pathetic!! You're five hours late, drunk as a skunk, and you've got dried puke all over the front of you! What have you got to say for yourself?!?"
He says, "Wait honey, listen for a second. This drunk guy threw up on me and gave me twenty bucks to get my shirt dry cleaned, I swear. Check my front pocket." She reaches in and pulls out two twenty dollar bills. She says, "Wait there's 40 bucks in here!"
He says, "Oh yeah, he crapped in my pants too!!"

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Category: Bar
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke:
Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.
After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in). They the lamp and rubbed it.
Out popped a tired old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here. Make it a good one."
The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!"
"Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer.
"Great move, Einstein", said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. "Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat."

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Category: Bar
Advertisement: JMc1
Date: 6/22/99
Joke:
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replies, "You !!?? No way! You get too violent when you drink."

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Category: Bar
Advertisement: Flight Attendant #1
Date: 5/20/99
Joke:
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a
hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little
gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady,
held both sides of her head in his big Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no.

With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The
young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."

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Last Page Update 02/27/08