The Best Police Jokes, Cop Jokes and Highway Patrol Jokes

A Georgia state patrolman pulled a car over for speeding about 20 miles from the Florida line on I-95. When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Jacksonville to do a show that night and didn't want to be late. The patrolman told the driver that he was fascinated by juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The juggler told him that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares and lit them, and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car and a drunk got out and looked at the show, then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in. The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Just take me to jail... Hell, ain't no way I'm gonna pass that test."

Category: Cops, Highway Patrol etc.
Advertisement: http://www.insaneclownposse.com
Date: 11/14/00
Joke:
Things not to say to a cop:
Sorry I was speeding officer but I reached over to get my bag of crack and my gun fell out of my holster and got lodged in-between the brake and gas pedal forcing me to speed out of control. There's no need to search the trunk!

A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know we have a  wonderful system at the fire station." "BELL 1 rings and we all put on our  jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're  on the fire truck ready to go. From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to  strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say  BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home  from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.  When he yelled "BELL 2!" the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!"  they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled, "BELL 4!"   
"What's this BELL 4?" asked the husband?
"Roll out more hose," she replied, "you are no where near the fire!"

Subject: WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER!
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning,
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay,just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with," Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Category: Fire Department
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 06/00
Joke:Volunteer Fire Department
A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire
department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire
proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so
someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though
there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck.
They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames.
The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying
water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire,
breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.
The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and
so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer
fire department with a check for $1000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the
department planned to do with the funds.
"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do
is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."

Category: Cops
Advertisement: TW
Date: 06/00
Joke:A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping for a bust. At closing
time, as everyone come out he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously
inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few
minutes, looking for his car.

After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car
a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his light on, then off, wipers on,
then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, when he was the
last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He
administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00. The
patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" exclaimed the
patrolman. "I doubt it," said the man, Tonight I am the designated decoy!!!

Category: Cops
Advertisement: SShaboat 's Home Page http://www.geocities.com/RodeoDrive/Outlet/3546
Date: 3/99
Joke:The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Blue Ribbon
Category: Cops
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke:
A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.
"What in the world am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car.
"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull-over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"On your way," he said.

Category: Cops, Highway Patrol etc.
Advertisement: Visit SShaboats World of Puppets at http://www.bcity.com/puppets
Date: 7/10/99
Joke:WATCH YOUR SPEED 
     Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate    Bridge after spending a great day out on the ocean  fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped  in newspaper on the passenger side floor.      He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't  you know, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand,  motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled  over like a good citizen.    The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know  how fast you were going, BOY?"     Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 60?"     "67 mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.     "But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "Why   did you ask me?"    Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his  normal sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're   getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good  close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and  said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why,  I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"     Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good    well-paying job!"    The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish  catch, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you    have?"    "I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.     "What you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman.      "I'm a rectum stretcher!"    The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a  rectum stretcher do?"      Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to   be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start  with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then  one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them    farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet  across."      The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his  mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot  asshole?"     Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun  and stick it at the end of a bridge.            

Category: Cops, Highway Patrol etc.
Advertisement: Shaboat
Date: 6/13/99
Joke:
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, suddenly he saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch me in a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 ... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Last Page Update 02/27/08