A Great Collection of Christmas, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Other Holiday Jokes.

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Male Form of Valentine's Day:

Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentines Day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really love them more than anything. Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret. Guys really don't enjoy this that much. Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secret--guys feel left out. That's right, left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created. March 20th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day". Simple, effective and self-explanatory. This holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man just how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town. The name of the holiday explains it all. Just a steak and a blowjob. That's it. Finally, this twin pair of Valentines Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine. The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.

You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

Little Johnny was a mean, arrogant, foul-mouthed brat, and his father was tired of it. Christmas was coming, so he gave his son an ultimatum: "Behave yourself and you'll get what you want for Christmas; or keep acting like a jerk and you'll get a pile of dog crap instead of a gift."
Little Johnny couldn't help himself when he told his dad what he wanted for Christmas. It was habitual. "I want a damned teddy bear laying right here beside me when I wake up on Christmas morning," Johnny said. "Then, when I go downstairs, I want to see a train going around the bloody tree, and when I go outside I expect to see a new bicycle leaning up against the damn garage!"
On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog crap. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog crap around the Christmas tree.
Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog crap by the garage.
When he walked back into the house, his dad smiled and asked, "So, Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beats the hell out of me. I think I got a friggin' dog but I can't find him.

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg  and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a  note which reads:
Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co

How do red necks celebrate Halloween?

Pump Kin

A very distinguished looking lady walks into a tattoo shop and sits down.
The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated lady in his shop, runs over immediately and asks if he could help her.

To his shock and utter delight, she lifts up her silk dress and points to her right inner thigh... very high up. "Right here," she says, "I want you to tattoo a turkey, and underneath it I want the word 'Thanksgiving'." 
Then she points to her left thigh... just as high up, and says "On this side, I want you to tattoo an evergreen tree with lights and tinsel and an angel on top, and underneath it I want the word 'Christmas'.

The owner looks at her. "Uh, lady, it's none of my business, but that is probably the most unusual request I've ever heard. Why in the world do you want to do that?"

"Well," the lady said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there's never anything good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

Category: Holidays
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 06/00
Joke: Notes to Santa

Dear Santa:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND,
BiLLy

Dear Billy:
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send you a f**king book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger ... at least HE can spell!
Santa

Dear Santa:
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah:
You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

Dear Santa:
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love,
Joey

Dear Joey:
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa

Dear Santa:
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy:
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the baby-sitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

Dear Santa:
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan:
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
Santa

Dear Santa:
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas:
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa

Dear Santa:
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica:
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house...
Santa

Dear Santa:
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiny begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams!
Santa

Category: Holidays
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 3/99
Joke:
"I bet you don't know what day this is", said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door.
The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker: "Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.
At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered what could have been a very bad situation.
His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

Category: Holidays
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke: Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why.

DEPRESSION:
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
..... (better start again!)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me
... (and then took it all away).

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

Category: Holidays
Advertisement: SShaboat 's Home Page http://www.geocities.com/RodeoDrive/Outlet/3546
Date: 8/22/99
Joke:
Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men?
They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.

Last Page Update 02/27/08