husband and wife jokesThe ongoing challenge of husband and wife survival in life is best reflected in husband and wife jokes. When husband and wife are naked provides some of the more humorous husband and wife jokes. If you have a husband and wife joke that is not listed here or in the jokes search engine, please submit it at the joke submission page.

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Category: Husband
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 2/00
Joke:

The Wedding
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why's the groom wearing black?"

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Category: Husband Wife
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Date: 1/27/00
Joke: A guy decides to take off work early from work and go drinking. He stays in the bar until it closes at 2 in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk.
When he gets back to his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone up, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he loses his balance, falls over backwards, and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke.
The broken glass carved up his rear end terribly, but he was so drunk he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he saw some blood. He checked himself out in the mirror and sure enough, his rear end is cut up something terrible. He repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances and went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting and his rear was hurting, and he was laying under the covers trying to think up a good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied on last night," she said."Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You were  plastered last night - where'd you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."


A guy walks into his living room carrying a very well-groomed fluffy white sheep under his arm and says,  "This is the pig I make love to when you're not around."  His wife is sitting there and says, "That is a sheep  not a pig, you dumb ass."  He responds, "Shut up bitch!!  I wasn't talking to you."


A woman lay in a coma in the hospital while the nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy As this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses rushed into the room. "What happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I guess she choked."


Make up your mind
A man in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He keeps throwing it into the air, where the wind catches it for a few seconds before it comes crashing back down.
Watching him from the kitchen window, his wife mutters how men have to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells, "You need more tail."
He shouts back, "Make up your mind. Last night you told me to go fly a kite!"

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Husband vs. Wife

A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a novelty shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee.

She then strolled between her husband and the television and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm. "Want some of this?" she purred.

"Are you kidding?", he replied, "Look what it did to those panties."

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SECRETS TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE:

This is from a couple that have been married for a long time............

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. We also sleep in separate beds ... hers is in Spokane and mine is in Seattle.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

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SECRETS TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE:

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.-- George Burns

I told someone I was getting married, and they said "Have you picked a date yet?I said, "Wow, you can bring a date to your own wedding!?" "What a country! "-- Yakov Smirnoff

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years.If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!-- Henny Youngman

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist.Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.-- Rodney Dangerfield

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John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to' Bring this note to your beautiful Mummy.' The note read: The Tent Pole Is Up, The Canvas Is Spread, The Hell With Breakfast, Come Back To Bed.

;Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to 'Bring this to your silly Daddy.' The note read: Take The Tent Pole Down, Put The Canvas Away, The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage, No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to 'The lady in the kitchen'. The note read:

The Tent Pole's Still Up, And The Canvas Still Spread,So Drop What You're Doing, And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to 'Take this to the poor man upstairs'. The note read: I'm Sure That Your Pole's The Best In The Land. But I'm Busy Right Now, So Do It By Hand!

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There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device... a vibrator ... soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She goes completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids."

 

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Today was my 52nd birthday & I wasn't feeling too hot this morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant & say Happy Birthday & probably have a present for me. She didn't even say Good morning, let alone any Happy Birthday. I thought, Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. The children came in to breakfast & didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low & despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Betty said, Good morning boss, happy birthday. And I felt a little better someone had remembered! Betty knocked on my door later & said, It's such a beautiful day outside & it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you & me. I said, By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go. We went to lunch in a little private place, had two martinis a great time. On the way back to the office, Betty said, You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we? I said, No, I guess not. She said, Let's go to my apartment. After arriving at her apartment, she said, Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure, I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom &, in about six minutes, came out carrying a big birthday cake..... Followed by my wife, children & dozens of friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday.
And there I sat, on the couch... naked.

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Blue Ribbon: an old dilapidated boat

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted

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Blue Ribbon:
HE SAID/SHE SAID
9 . He said: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said: You wear briefs, don't you?

8. She said: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said: It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

7. He said: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said: Well, you succeeded.

6. He said: Two inches more, and I would be_' king'.
She said: Two inches less, and you'd be queen' .

5. On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."

4. He said: Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said: "That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

3. He said: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

2. He said: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

1. He said: Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said: I would but you're never there.

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!

All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

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John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club and one evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Well, John O'Riley won the contest for the best toast of the evening, "Here's To The Best Years o' Me Life, Spent Between The Legs o' Me Wife."

When John O'Riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast Masters meeting went and he said, "I won the contest for the best toast of the evening." His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said, "Here's To The Best Years o' me Life, Spent in Church wi' me Wife."

His wife then said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in your Toast."

The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local police man on the beat who was also at the Toast Masters meeting with John O'Riley. He said, "Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that your husband John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening. He won first prize".

"Yes, that's right," said Mrs. O'Riley, "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts: he's only been there twice, the first time he fell asleep and the second time I had to pull him out by the ears."

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Blue Ribbon: Peanut Ear

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.  He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle  of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. 

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. 

When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. 

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" 

The father replied "From the smell of his fingers,... our son in-law!"

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A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:   

Dear Wife:    You must realize that you are 54-years-old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I will be home before midnight.
Your Husband   

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband:  You, too, are 54-years-old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy.....Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact, that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into  18............................ Don’t wait up.

Your wife  

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The Last Things Any MAN Would Ever Say:

10) I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
9) While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8) I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7) Her tits are just too big.
6) Sometimes I just want to be held.
5) That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
4) Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
3) We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
2) Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
1) I think we are lost, we better pull over ands ask for directions

The Last Things Any WOMAN Would Ever Say:

10) Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9) Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
8) I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7) Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6) Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
5) This diamond is way too big!
4) I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3) Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2) Does this make my butt look too small?
1) I'm wrong, you must be right again.

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A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down. This goes on for a while, until his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells, "You need more tail." The father yells back, "Fuck you! I told you yesterday I needed more tail and you told me to go fly a kite!"

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Category: Husband Wife
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Date: 1/9/01
Joke:A couple was driving down the road, not speaking to each other as they had an argument earlier. As the passed a farm with a barnyard full of mules goats and pigs the wife looked at her husband and said, relatives of yours? The husband smiled and said yep, my inlaws!!

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Too Hot for Clothes:
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," said Bill as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would say if I mowed the lawn like this?"

His wife replied, "Probably that I married you for your money."

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A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where the hell have you been?" "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my penis." "What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on your penis?" "Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow. Number two, once in a while I like to play with my money. And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks

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<< THE BULL 
A man takes his wife to the live stock show. They start heading down the   alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall   states: "This bull mated 50 times last year."    The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year,  isn't that nice!"    They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65  times last year."    The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last  year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"    They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365   times last year."   
The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last  year.  That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."   
The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was   the same old cow every day."   

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Crystal Ball

During a recent outing in New Orleans, a woman sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked,
"Will I be acquitted?"

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Blue Ribbon:
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, show's her the check, and explains to her what has happened.
She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"

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> Subject: Under the Car!
>
> Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle
> ... especially in public. From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes
> this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have
> their car break down in the parking lot.

> The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
> The wife returned later to see a small group of people near
> the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from
> under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants
> turned private parts into a glaringly public ones.
> Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked
> everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the
> hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
>

> The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
>

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After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened last night?" "As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife. "Piss on him," answered the husband. "You did," said the wife, "and he fired you." "Well, fuck him," said the husband. "I did, and you go back to work in the morning."

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Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant.
Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on and he is in his birthday suit; except he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this..a black condom?"
He replies, "I want to offer my condolences."

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<< < Q. Why did God give men a penis
>> > A. So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
>> >
>> > Q. What's the difference between a paycheck and your Dick?
>> > A. You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
>> >
>> > Q. How is a woman like a laxative?
>> > A. They both irritate the shit out of you.
>> >
>> > Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
>> > A. Its Braille for "suck here."
>> >
>> > Q. Why do men die before their wives?
>> > A. They want to.
>> >
>> > Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
>> > A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
>> >
>> > Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a
>> > pitbull?
>> > A. Lipstick.
>> >
>> > Q. Why do women have tits?
>> > A. So men will talk to them.
>> >
>> > Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
>> > A. You come in one and go in the other.
>> >
>> > Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex
>> > A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
>> >
>> > Q. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
>> > A. Money.
>> >
>> > Q. Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
>> > A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
>> >
>> > Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
>> > A. After 5 years your job will still suck.
>> >
>> > Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
>> > A. Ten minutes of silence.
>> >
>> > (and finally my personal favorite)
>> >
>> > Q. Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
>> > A. When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

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Sadie and Esther, two elderly widows, are sitting, people-watching, in a Catskill hotel lobby. "You know, " says Sadie, "I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is mutual orgasm. Mutual orgasm here, mutual orgasm there, that's all they talk about. Tell me, Esther, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"
"No," says Esther, "I think we had State Farm.""

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HER STORY:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar. I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something else. I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. So, anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me! So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I dunno, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else ???
HIS STORY:
Lousy day at work. Tired. Got laid though.

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3 guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here.Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer." The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy,

"How long were you married?" The first guy says, "24 years." "Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven." Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter. The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good." Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."

The 3rd guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!" Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!" A few days later, the 2 guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"

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A man comes home from work one day to find his wife packing her bags. He said "Where are you going?" 
She said "Las Vegas. I understand I can get $400 a shot for what I've been giving you for free." So the man starts packing his own suitcase, and she said "Where are you going?" He said "Las Vegas." She said "For what?" 
He said "To see you live on $800 a fuckin' year!"

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A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise . She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to......to....cut it off are you?!"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are.

I'm going to set the garage on fire."

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The Cookies  

 An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.  "Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."   

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On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all
her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes.

Panic.

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her
wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a
bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet were
in agony.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think
of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Family crowded round the door
to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining
noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say
'God, that was tight.'

'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the other
one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said. 'My
God. That was even tighter.'

'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'

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THIS IS FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me . . ."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door,who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault:
My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same
thing:
"You can have mine."

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman...........
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

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John woke up one morning with an enormous erection, so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed not realizing his wife, Heather, had already awakened and was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John wrote a note, called to his little boy, and asked him to bring the note to his wife. It read:

The tent pole is up,
The canvas is spread,
The hell with breakfast,
Come back to bed.

Heather answered the note with one of her own and asked her son to take it to her husband. The note read:

Take the tent pole down,
Put the canvas away,
The monkey had a hemorrhage,
No circus today.

John read the note and scribbled a reply. He asked his son to take it to his wife. The note read:

The tent pole's still up,
And the canvas still spread,
So drop what you're doing,
And come give me some head.

Heather answered the note and asked her son to deliver it to her husband. The note read:

I'm sure that your pole's
The best in the land.
But I'm busy right now,
So do it by hand!

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Blue Ribbon
Category: Husband.
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 06/00
Joke::If Dear Abby was a Guy......

Q: He still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.
A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase
with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your
partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him
a Ranger Bass Boat, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of
his behavior.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior-and it should be encouraged. The man
is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being
pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back
to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and
happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to
buy him a new hunting rifle, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this
aspect of his behavior.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so
he goes for the next best thing, your sister. Far from being an issue, this
will bring all of the family together. Why not involve some cousins? If you
are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a Rolex
watch, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a
spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a
great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you
to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely
painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him,
buy him a pair of handmade Rattlesnake Cowboy Boots, and cook him a nice meal.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with
it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to
video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at RV/Boat Shows. To
ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a solid gold money clip, and cook him a
delicious meal.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love. We have no time to
talk.
A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest.
In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and the
more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a 4-carat Diamond
Tie-tack, and cook him a nice meal.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by
you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the
more he loves you. Return this love by buying a full set of all of Sears
Power Tools, and cooking him a nice meal.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love
your man as much as you should-he has to work a lot to get you in the mood.
Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying the biggest
Chain Saw on the market, and cooking a nice meal.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating
feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him
and show your love to him by buying a Harley Davidson Springer Softail ..and
don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

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or e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com


Category: Husband.
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 06/00
Joke:: I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

> I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

> Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

> The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV? I said, "Dust!"

> In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and
rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

> Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

> What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

> A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your will power.

> Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

> Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

> A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters ... they all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

> The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

> First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You' real lucky, mine's still alive."

> How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

> Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

> Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

> A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying!

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Category: Husband.
Advertisement: Visit SShaboats World of Puppets at http://www.bcity.com/puppets
Date: 06/00
Joke:
WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: (makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of
her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

WOMAN: - - - silence - - -

MAN: Shit >>

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Category: Husband Wife
Advertisement: Spruance Enterprises has been an Internet Presense Provider in Fort Lauderdale FL since 1995. Visit us at http//:www.spruance.com for a free estimate.
Date: 06/00
Joke:A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so, pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"

He says, "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
The wife responds in an angry tone, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."

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Category: Husband and Wife.
Advertisement: Deco
Date: 6/00
Joke: WOMEN'S ENGLISH

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes + find a good game on TV.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

MEN'S ENGLISH

I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like eventually to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like eventually to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like eventually to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd like eventually to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = What stupid self-inflicted psycho trauma is it now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it. Now can we have sex?
Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am deep. Then maybe sex?
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with others.

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Category: Husband and Wife.
Advertisement: Deco
Date: 6/00
Joke:A married couple are driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, " I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too."
The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at  90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

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Category: Husband and Wife.
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 8/99
Joke:
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!

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Category: Husband and Wife.
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 8/99
Joke:
You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.
He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

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or e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com


Category: Husband.
Advertisement: Visit SShaboats World of Puppets at http://www.bcity.com/puppets
Date: 12/99
Joke: Morris is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Joe, is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be abnormally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." "Hey Joe, he yells out - I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal out of it,...it's only an earring. "Says Joe sheepishly. "No really," probes Morris,

"How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

Category: Husband.
Advertisement: Visit SShaboats World of Puppets at http://www.bcity.com/puppets
Date: 8/99
Joke: One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and
pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we
could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of
intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and
said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him
by his package. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you
firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the
butler, the pool man, and your brother."

Category: Husband.
Advertisement: Visit SShaboats World of Puppets at http://www.bcity.com/puppets
Date: 8/99
Joke

The New Childbirth Invention
--------------------------------------------------------
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.He asked if they were willing to try it out.They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at
how well he was doing.
At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out is wife
considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.

However, when they got home, they found the mailman was dead on their porch.

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or e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com


Category: Husband Wife
Advertisement: Spruance Enterprises has been an Internet Presense Provider in Fort Lauderdale FL since 1995. Visit us at http//:www.spruance.com for a free estimate.
Date: 3/99
Joke: After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. ''What seems to be the problem?''
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down.
Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.
The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, ''Your wife needs that at least twice a week!''
The husband scratched his head and replied, ''I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.''

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or e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

Blue Ribbon
Category: Husband Wife
Advertisement: Spruance Enterprises has been an Internet Presense Provider in Fort Lauderdale FL since 1995. Visit us at http//:www.spruance.com for a free estimate.
Date: 3/99
Joke: A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so, pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"
He says, "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
The wife responds in an angry tone, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."

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or e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

Category: Husband Wife
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 3/99
Joke A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, ''Darling, its my mothers birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric.''
The husband replied, ''How about a chair?!?''

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or e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

Category: Husband Wife
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 3/99
Joke: A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and have a shag?" the husband asked.
"Shhhh!"said the bride, "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do.These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking 'Have you left the washing machine door open instead?"
So the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it", replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep. When she woke up however, she was feeling a little amorous herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No thanks" said the husband, "It was only a small load and I've done it by hand."

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or e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

Category: Husband Wife
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 3/99
Joke: Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions.
The first guy says his favorite position is the "rodeo". The other guy asks what the position is, and how to do it?
The first guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get underway and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear - 'Your sister likes this position too'..... Then try to hang on for 8 seconds." make sure you don't throw up.

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Category: Husband Wife
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 3/99
Joke:
Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.
"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.
With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.
Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"
"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday."

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Category: Husband Wife
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 2/99
Joke:
She's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband.
Marry her before she finds one.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

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Category: Husband Wife
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 2/99
Joke: The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning, with beer on your breath, and lipstick on your collar?"
"There is," he replied. "I'd like some breakfast."

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Category: Husband Wife
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 2/99
Joke:
An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.
''It's free,'' St. Peter replied, ''this is Heaven.''
Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located on. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, ''What are the green fees?''
St. Peter replied, ''This is heaven, you play for free.''
Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the World laid out. ''How much to eat?'' asked the old man.
''Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!'' St. Peter replied, with some exasperation.
''Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?'' the old man asked timidly.
St. Peter lectured, ''That's the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.''
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, ''This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!''

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Category: Husband Wife
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke: After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age. She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer.
After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room.
Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband. "thought you had never been with a woman.
He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get"!

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Blue Ribbon
Category: Husband Wife
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke:
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."

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Blue Ribbon
Category: Husband Wife
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke: If I Died...
A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would.. We all need companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."

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Category: Husband Wife
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke: The Spice of Life
Two guys were car pooling home from work one day. Traffic was crawling along and they were both a bit bored. The driver was looking around and suddenly pointed at two dogs having sex in someone's front lawn.
"Look," he shouted, "what are the those dogs doing? Fighting?"
The passenger, being a man of the world, replied, "They're having sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before."
The driver, a bit embarrassed, admitted that he never had.
His passenger said, "You have to try it. It's pretty cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position."
The driver thought a bit, then decided he would give it a try.
The next morning, the two commuters were back in the car and the passenger asked, "Well. How did it go?"
The driver replied, "It was great. But it took me SIX margaritas just to get her naked in the front yard!"

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Category: Husband Wife
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke:
A married couple was in a terrible accident in which the woman's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too thin. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you,"
"My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

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Category: Husband Wife
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke:
Words of wisdom
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage
Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

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Category: Husband
Advertisement: SShaboat 's Home Page http://www.geocities.com/RodeoDrive/Outlet/3546
Date: 7/22/99
Joke:
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place..
You either married it or gave birth to it.

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Category: Husband Wife
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 8/23/99
Joke:
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
She replies, "I went to the doctor today and he was so complimentary. He told me I have the breasts of a 25-year-old. I have the body of a 30-year-old and the legs of a 28-year-old athlete.
"Oh yeah," he said sarcastically. "And what did he have to say about your 50-year-old asshole?"
"Frankly dear, your name never came up," she replied.

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Category: Husband Wife
Advertisement: SW2
Date: 6/3/99
Joke:
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hold her,
Hug her,
Complement her,
Smile at her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Give her flowers,
Give her candy,
Give her poems,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the Earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked,
Bring beer.

Category: Husband Wife
Advertisement: Flight Attendant 1
Date: 6/3/99
Joke:
TOP TEN THINGS MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

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Blue Ribbon
Category: Husband Wife
Advertisement: Free photos to use on your web site - fill in form and use the photos at http://www.spruance.com
Date: 5/19/99
Joke:
Top 25 Things A Wife Won't Say

1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a great fart! Do another one!
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to
play on Saturday too.
14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
15. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother is way better than mine.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake,you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Heather over for a threesome!
21. Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24. God.. if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...

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Blue Ribbon
Category: Husband Wife
Advertisement: Get a free web site estimate at http://www.spruance.com
Date: 5/19/99
Joke:
Manhood Test

Test for Men

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both
shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results
C. Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously
C. You don't miss Sports Center

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need to ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience
B. The second best part of the experience
C. $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. No concern of yours
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A Moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. Appetizer is to entree
B. Primer is to paint
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of
a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
B. Is uptight and a waste of time
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

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