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Doctor and Medical Jokes are a Good Prescription for Laughter
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Last Page Update
02/27/12 |
Category: Medical
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 8/99
Joke:
A married couple was in a terrible accident in which the woman's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she
was too thin. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only
skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from,
and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She
looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on
and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his
sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
There is no way I could ever repay you,"
"My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need
every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
> There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward
> where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday
> morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical
> condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought
> that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one
> could solve the mystery... as to why the deaths occurred
> around 11 a.m. on Sundays. So a World-Wide team of experts
> was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
>
> The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all
> doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see
> for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
> Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other
> holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the
> clock struck 11...Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday
> sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support
> system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Investment alert: Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today
that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi
Cola (Pepsi Bottling Group NYSE PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is,
or as a mixer, under the name "Mount And Do".
Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests: "It will now be possible for a
man to literally pour himself a stiff one."
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead
bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he
made an amazing discovery:
Bernie Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't
send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to
be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and
opened his briefcase.
"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Bernie Schwartz is dead!"
A dietitian was addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting
here, years ago. Red meat is awful; soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is
loaded with MSG. "Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term
harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most
dangerous of all, and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food
it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75 year-old man in the front row stood up and said: "Wedding cake."
Doctor Bob had taken one of his patients to bed and was miserably
guilty
all the next day.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of
professional betrayal was overwhelming. With great effort, from time to time, he
would strain to hear a soothing voice within him providing some reassurance:
"Doctor Bob, let it go. You aren't the first doctor to bed one of your patients
in a fit of irresistible passion and you won't be the last. Let it go...."
But he couldn't shake it. Invariably another voice would bring him back to reality:
"Dr. Bob you jackass, you're a vet."
This 90 year old man and woman decided they wanted children,
so they went to the doctor to see if it was possible. The Doctor
said he didn't know why they couldn't if he was still fertile. He
gave the man a jar and told him he needed a semen sample.
A few days later the man returned to the doctor's office quite angry,
and threw the jar against the wall, smashing it to bits! The Doctor
asked him what the problem was. The man replied, Doc I tried
with my left hand, I tried with my right hand, I tried with both hands.
My wife tried with her left hand, she tried with her right hand, she
tried with both hands. She tried with her teeth in, she tried with her
teeth out! But Doc, we couldn't get that Damn lid off!!!!!
"Agreement"
The pretty young lady was having a tooth pulled. The dentist gave her the usual "This
won't hurt a bit" routine before bending over her with a drill in his hand. He
immediately drew back in complete alarm. "Miss,"he said in a barely audible
whisper, "You have hold of my testicles!" "Yes, doc, I know," she
smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt each other, are we?"
Blue Ribbon:
A 65 year old man goes to his doctor and says. " Doc, I
have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, My ex-wife is sleeping over
this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them
all" The doctor says " You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty
dangerous for a man of your age". "I will give them to you on the condition that
you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out." The man says
"You have a deal Doc." Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.
The doctor says "what happened"? The man answered "nobody showed up!"
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at
their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the
presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then
observedthat 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense,
became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing,
and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
One day, Hank complained to a friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I
should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There is a computer at the drug store that can
diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell
you what you can do about it, and it only
costs $10.00."
Hank figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to
the drug store. Finding the computer he
poured in the sample and deposited the ten bucks. The computer started making some noise
and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow,
soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy
labor. It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and! how it would change
medical science forever, he began to
wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine
samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He
went back to the store, located the
computer, poured in the sample and deposited the ten bucks.
The machine again made the usual noise, flashed lights, and printed out the following
analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a
water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter
is using cocaine. Put her in a
rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a
lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow
will never get better.
All Drugs have a generic name:
Tylenol is Acetaminophen Advil is Ibuprofen. And so on.....
What's the generic name for Viagra?
Mycoxafailin!
A guy sees a doctor about his stuttering. The doctor examines him and
says "Your penis is enormous. It's throwing your entire body off balance, and
weighing down your vocal cords. You'll talk fine if you cut four inches
off." So, off it goes and a month later the guy is back. He says,
"Well, I don't stutter anymore but all my girlfriends have left. Frankly, it's
not worth it. Please sew it back on." Doctor says, "F-f-f-fuck
y-y-you!"
Two men were in the doctor's office. Each of them are to get a vasectomy.
The nurse comes into the room and tells both men "Strip and put on these
gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done." A
few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man's gown and proceeds to fondle
and ultimately begins to masturbate him. Shocked as he was, he asks, "Why
are you doing that?" To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm
from your system to have a clean procedure." The man, not wanting to be a
problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task. After she is
through, she proceeds to the next man. She starts to fondle the man as she had the
previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him oral sex.
The first man, seeing this, quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it that I get
masturbated and he gets a blowjob?" The nurse simply replies, "That,
sir, is the difference between an HMO and Blue Cross & Blue Shield.
A partially deaf man goes into the doctor's office for a physical
and complains about some pains. The doctor says, "I need a stool
sample, a urine sample, and a semen sample." The old geezer looks at
his wife and yells, "What did he say?" His wife replies, "He
said you need to bring in a pair of your underwear!"
Sometimes the truth is more amusing than fiction:
A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the
cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress,
and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are
several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. At the beginning of my shift I placed a
stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Bigbreaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the
patient.
*********************************************************
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more that five minutes later,
I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive
internal fart."
*********************************************************
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I
placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your
right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your
left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was
silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and
discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with
both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
*********************************************************
I was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed,
"You're not coming in here with me. This is a one-seater!"
*********************************************************
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he
informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?", asked the doctor." "The patch. The nurse told me to put
on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor
had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see....Yes, the man
had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old
patch before applying a new one.
*********************************************************
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast
this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't
seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see
the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly.
*********************************************************
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered,
Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
********************************************************
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The
woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned
the store, so there were no males employed there.
She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.
The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which
causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give
me for it?"
The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and
$5000 in cash.
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran
Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
Category: Medical
Advertisement:
Date: 7/8/00
Joke: SIGNS YOU'VE JOINED A CHEAP HMO
9. Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.
8. Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the
trailor park."
7. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
6. The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
5. The only item used under Preventative Care coverage is"an apple a day..."
4. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last
month.
3. "The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network charges" is not a
typo.
2. With your last HMO, your prozac didn't come in differentcolors with little
"m"s on them.
1. AND the number 1 sign you've joined a cheap HMO: You ask for Viagra; you got a popsicle
stick and duct tape....
Category: Medical
Advertisement :Deco
Date: 06/00
Joke: Happy Baby
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother
artificially inseminated.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of
which are crying and screaming.
One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight,
she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Neil says to Bruce. "All these unhappy
children, and ours is so happy."
The nurse says, "He's happy now. But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his
ass.
Category: Medical
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 2/99
Joke:
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her,
hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a
tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she
seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and
once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. They ask,
"So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
Category: Medical
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 2/99
Joke: A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with
gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As
a matter of fact I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office.
You didn't know because they didn't smell and are silent".
The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.
"The next week the lady goes back, "Doctor," she says, "I don't know
what the heck you gave me, but now when I pass gas... although still silent, smells
awful."
"Good", the doctor said, "now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's
work on your hearing."
Blue Ribbon
Category: Medical
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke:
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in a train's first-class section. The man
sneezes, then pulls out his penis and wipes off the tip. The woman can't believe what she
just saw and decides that she was hallucinating.
A few minutes pass.
The man sneezes again. He pulls out his penis and wipes off the tip. The woman is about to
go nuts. She can't believe such a rude person exists. When it happens a third time, she
turns to the man and says, "What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies, "I'm sorry, ma'am. I have a very rare condition so that whenever I
sneeze, I have an orgasm."
"I'm sorry," says the woman. "But you have to admit that's very strange!
What do you take for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
Blue Ribbon
Category: Medical
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke:
A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can
I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said,
"There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have
intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't
go to her house; I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90; the
Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."
Category: Medical.
Advertisement: BH1
Date: 7/28/99
Joke: The Top 10 Signs you're in a cheap HMO
10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you
enter the trailer park."
8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
6. Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "an apple a
day."
5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to
Goodwill last month.
4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a
typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little
"m"s on them.
And the Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO......
1. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
Category: Medical
Advertisement: SShaboats Puppet MANIA!!!! http://bennyhills.fortunecity.com/barr/486/
Date: 7/21/99
Joke: A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift
procedure and was explaining it to a
prospective patient. He told her, "I'll install a
special screw in the top of your skull. Your hair will cover it so
it will be unnoticed. Whenever you need a little
tuck, we'll just tighten the screw a little,...
and the wrinkles will disappear!"
The woman was enthused and told the doctor to, "GO FOR IT!"
The surgery was a resounding success, and the
woman went home happy. A few
months later, the woman returned in a great state of agitation.
She pointed to her face and said, "Just look at these
bags under my eyes! Where the hell did they
come from?" The surgeon looked at her closely and
said, "Those aren't BAGS under your eyes. Those
are your breasts. And if you keep messing around with that screw,...
pretty soon you'll have a goatee!"
Last Page Update
02/27/12 |
