|
       
Our Men in Uniform Provide Us With Some Great Military Jokes
The advertisers listed here have not been
authenticated or warranted by the webmaster, owners or servers of this site.
- Buyers Beware - If you would like to view the best jokes in this category type
the words Blue Ribbon in your browsers page search window (Netscape Edit/ Find
in Page) or (MS Explorer Edit/ Find on This Page).
The Debutante Ball
In the mid 1960's a US Navy cruiser put into port in Mobile, Alabama for a
week's R&R. The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised
to receive the following letter from the wife of a very wealthy plantation owner
and industrialist:
Dear Captain: On Thursday will be my daughter Susan's debutante ball. I would
like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should
arrive at 8 p.m. sharp, prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation
and dancing with lovely young ladies. PS: No Jews.
Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, the lady followed her butler to answer a
rap at the door which was opened by the butler. She found in dress uniform, four
handsome, exquisitely mannered and smiling African-American naval officers.
Her lower jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered,
"There must be some mistake."
"Madam," said the first officer, "Captain Harlan Cohen doesn't
make mistakes."
Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.
When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open."He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and
saw that his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his secretary, calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this
morning did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.
Category: Military
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 2/99
Joke:
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of
being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his
First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led
the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the
crew, the pirates were repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding
parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed "Bring me
my red shirt!"
And once again the battle was on. The Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties,
however this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on
deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and
asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I
am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will
continue to fight unafraid...
The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next
morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding
parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for
his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown
pants!"
Category: Military
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke: ATTENTION!
It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the
soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walks in and bellows,"THIS
IS A BIRTHDAY SUIT INSPECTION!! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked
NOW!"
So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form
up in their three ranks. The sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks,
conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly...
The captain comes along with his swagger stick. He goes to the first soldier and whacks
him right across the chest with it. "DID THAT HURT?" he yells.
"No, Sir!" came the reply.
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man. He takes the stick and whacks the
soldier right across the rear.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous
erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"
Category: Military
Advertisement: SShaboat 's Home Page http://www.geocities.com/RodeoDrive/Outlet/3546
Date: 7/07/99
Joke:A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing
herself into the ocean.
When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on
her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning,
and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you
food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added,
"I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they
made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's
taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island
Ferry."
Category: Military
Advertisement: Spoiled Dogs
Date: 6/3/99
Joke:
Subject: Sea Collision...
This is an actual transcript between a US Naval ship and Canadian authorities off the
coast of Newfoundland.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees south to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees north to avoid collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid
collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
Canadians: No, I say again, you divert your course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS AND
NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR HEADING 15 DEGREES NORTH OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THE SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Blue Ribbon
Advertisement: Joel Bowie
Date: 5/27/99
Joke:
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them
a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one
began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of
egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat
of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and
made a mess".
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a
dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to
this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in
Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was
a bottle of whiskey, a
machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and
then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the
machine gun until
he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke
and then he killed the last ten with his barehands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
                   
Last Page Update
02/27/08 |
