Miscellaneous Jokes are Hard to Categorize!

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Category: Misc..
Advertisement: BarryH
Date: 1/27/00
Joke:These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is
    detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their
    children while walking to the first tee.
   
    "My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home
    building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own
    design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last
    year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
   
    The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career
    as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so
    successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand
    new cars as a gift."
   
    The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage.
    And in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock
    portfolio as a gift.
   
    As the fourth man arrives at the tee, and another tells him that they
    have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
   
    "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned
    out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and
    I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on
    the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last
    three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a
    big pile of stock certificates."  

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Category: Misc..
Advertisement: Fine Art Custom Oil Paintings and Portraits by Gayle Gibson, http://members.aol.com/gaylgibson/
Date: 1/27/00
Joke: Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"

Category: Husband & Wife.
Advertisement: Kathy's Jokes and Animations @ http://www.angelfire.com/il2/smiles/main.html
- over 200 jokes and 300 animations.
Date: 1/24/00
Joke:
A husband and wife are out for a drive through the countryside. They reach a familiar spot and The wife says, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago!" The husband stops the car. His wife backs against the fence, and he immediately jumps her like a bass on a junebug.

They make love like never before. She was SCREAMING and GYRATING and SHAKING uncontrollably; and when it was over, much to her husband's surprise, she FAINTED! After he revived her and got her back into the car, the husband, quite astounded says: "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago--or ANYTIME SINCE that I can remember.

" The woman, gasping for breath, finally able to speak, says: " FORTY YEARS AGO THAT DAMN FENCE WASN'T ELECTRIFIED!"

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Blue Ribbon
Category: Misc.
Advertisement: Visit SShaboats World of Puppets at http://www.bcity.com/puppets
Date: 8/99
Joke: Subject: (Fwd) FW: potential vs reality
A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks for help from his father. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His dad looks up, thoughtfully, and say, "I'll show you." Go  ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars and then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars and then tell me what you have learned,"
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He goes to his mother and says "Mom would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" His mom looks around slyly and says with a smile, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would,"
Then he goes into his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks at him and says, "Omigod, definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad. I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we're living with a couple of whores."

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Blue Ribbon
Category: Misc.
Advertisement: Visit SShaboats World of Puppets at http://www.bcity.com/puppets
Date: 8/99
Joke: A saleswoman from a major condom company was required to travel cross-country to meet a prospective buyer. Her boss asked her to take about 100 condoms of various types with her. As she was running late for her flight, she simply stuffed them all into her briefcase. The cab ride to the airport was delayed by traffic and she had just enough time to throw her ticket at the counter and run onto the plane. As she jumped into the airplane, she dropped her briefcase and all the condoms flew out all over the floor in front of all the passengers and crew.
They all stared amazed at the display and then looked to the woman who said sheepishly, "I'm meeting a new client."

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Category: Misc.
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 8/99
Joke:
FOR SALE -- Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.
Kentucky:
Five Million People ............ Fifteen Last Names
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her name was, "Always."
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
THE BILL OF RIGHTS... (Void where prohibited by law)
The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.
A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one heck of a party.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
If you run out of sick days, call in dead.

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An Executive Decision:
An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Debra replied, "I really feel like shit today, could you just jack off? ."

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The Texan
Three men; one German, one Japanese and a Texan were sitting naked in a sauna suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. the others looked at him questioningly. That was my pager, he said, I have a microchip under the skin of my arm. A few minutes later a phone rang. Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear, when he finished he explained. That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand The Texan felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. he stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Texan, smiling the whole time, finally said........well, will you look at that, I’m getting a fax.

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Three cowboys - one from Louisiana, one from Arkansas,
and the other from Texas are sitting around a
campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the
bravado for which they are famous. A night of tall
tales begins. 

The guy from Louisiana says, "I must be the meanest,
toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a
bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before
I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare
hands." 

The guy from Arkansas couldn't stand to be bested.
"Why, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15
foot long rattler slid out from under a rock and made
a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands
and bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one
gulp. And I'm still here today!" 

The Texan remained silent, slowly stirring the coals
with his penis. 

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2. Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and"Keep away from children" Unknown

3. "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." Drew Carey

4. "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house," Lewis Grizzard

5. "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." Jeff Foxworthy

6. "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams

8. "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" Marilyn Pittman

9."Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." Bob Ettinger

10. "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." Paula Poundstone

11. "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." Conan O'Brien

12. "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." Lynda Montgomery

13."I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" Richard Jeni

14."If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." Johnny Carson

15."Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." Paul Rodriguez

16."My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." Jerry Seinfeld

17."Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" Warren Hutcherson

18."Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde

19."Suppose you were an idiot . . . . And suppose you were a member of Congress . . . But I repeat myself." Mark Twain

20."Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." Whitney Brown

21."Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams

22."Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." Roseanne

23."Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal

24."You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" Dave Barry

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Subject: What Men Like

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
.
If your husband gets a video camera for Fathers Day, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
.
Men like phones with lots of buttons and other gadget they'll never figure out. It makes them feel important.
.
Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
.
Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
.
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
.
Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
.
Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
.
Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
.
Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

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Blue Ribbon:
Salesman of the Year
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department
store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales
experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas.
"Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the
job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you
make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales
people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says,
"$101,237.64." Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?" Kid
says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish
hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing
rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the
coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat
department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he
didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for
his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go
fishing.'"

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Ladies Night Out 
--------------------- 
The other day, my friends and I went to a 'Ladies Night Club." One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek! 

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek. 

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill. 

I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks, again. My relief was short lived. 

Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy's egging me on to try to top the $50. 

My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? Then the banker in me took over. 

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his booty, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home! 

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This week's world's top 20 thinnest books.

20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno

19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver

18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino

17.THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton

16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan

15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates

14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman

13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore

12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN

11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE

9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

6.ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres

5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club

3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson

1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton

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Subject: TITANIC'S LAST MYSTERY REVEALED!
For years, the admiralty and maritime scholars have reviewed every statistic regarding the late great ship. The simple facts were that the ship sailed with 2,224 men, women and children aboard. Of that number, 1,503 perished while only 711 survived.

One of the last great mysteries were the previously unexplained fact that, of the 711 survivors, 704 were registered Republicans. It has been only a theory for years, but recent events in Florida confirm earlier suspicions: all Republicans aboard the Titanic were able to follow the arrows to the life rafts.

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss  each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air  of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling,  he says to her:   "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"    Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"    Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"    Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"    Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"    Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"    Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"    Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"    Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"     Her: "No, no. I just can't"    Him: "I beg you ... "    Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's  sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice  she says:    "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it.  Or if need be, dad says he can come down himself and do it. But for  God sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..." 

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Category: Misc.
Advertisement: Virtually FREE E-commerce Websites now available@ http://www.quicksitemaker.com/members/djedwards
Date: 11/12/00
Joke: What's the last thing to go through a bugs mind when he hits your windshield? His butt!

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>Subject: The Consultant
>A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a new Jeep Grand Cherokee flashes out of a dust cloud toward him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses, and a YSL tie leaned out of the window and asks our shepherd: "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one'?"
>
>The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Why not?"
>
>The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, and opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets, with complex formulas. Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer, turns around to our shepherd, and says: "You have exactly 1,586 sheep!"
>
>"That's correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep," says the shepherd.
>
>The shepherd watches, as the yuppie makes a selection and bundles it into hisGrand Cherokee. Then, the shepherd says to the yuppie, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?"
>
>"Why not?" answers the smart young man.
>
>"You are a consultant," says the shepherd.
>
>"That's correct," says the yuppie, "But how did you guess that?"
>
>"It was easy. You turn up here, although nobody called you. You want to be paid for the answer to a question, to which I already knew the solution. And you don't know sh - - about my business, because you took my dog."

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1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't understand the Washington Post.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something scandalous.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down in their tent for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets". "Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in Leo". "Logically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three". "Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant". "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "Is that all?", Holmes asked. "Yes." Watson replied. "Why, am I missing something?". Holmes was quiet for a moment, then spoke: "Watson, you dickhead! Someone has stolen the fucking tent!"

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Friends don't let friends take home ugly men.
(Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE)

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" its "Hi, how are you?"
(Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia)

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
(Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC)

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
(Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX)

Express Lane: Five beers or more
(Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills)

You're too good for him.
(Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills)

No wonder you always go home alone.
(Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills)

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
(Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL)

If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here. Your asshole is in Washington.
( Men's room Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, WA)

Beauty is only a light switch away.
(Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC)

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
(Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.)

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
(Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL)

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
(Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY)

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The Monkey, The Lion, The Donkey And Man

It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified. "Only twenty years of normal sex life?" he asked.
But the Lord was very adamant, and that was all man could have.

Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years," he protested, "Ten is plenty for me. "Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed.

Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey, wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could.

Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years, but like the others, ten was sufficient, and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?" The donkey agreed.

This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten years of making an ass of himself.

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Category: Misc.
Advertisement: Free Photos for your web site at http://www.spruance.com/
Date: 6/00
Joke: Martian Love
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weenie member-about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.
"How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache. . .she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

Category: Misc.
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 2/99 Moments when saying nothing might have worked out better...

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
*Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
*Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
*Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
*Mariah Carey, pop singer

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
*Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder."
*Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic Party Convention

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
*Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.
*Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
*Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

Half this game is ninety percent mental.
*Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

Ever since I was a kid, I've always been a real deep thinker and stuff.
*Billy Ray Cyrus

They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.
*Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers

It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
*Former U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
*Former U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
*Former U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
*Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
*Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
*Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jack ass, and I'm just the one to do it.
*A congressional candidate in Texas

Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
*General William Westmoreland, during the war in Vietnam

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Category: Misc.
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke: 60 things NOT to say to a naked guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

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Category: Misc.
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke: Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
My wife only has 2 complaints. Nothing to wear and not enough closet space.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left

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Category: Misc.
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke: Ponderables!!
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.
How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're a jerk.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

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Category: Misc.
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke: More Evidence That This World Is Full Of Complete Idiots
1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

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Category: Misc.
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke:
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."

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Category: Misc.
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke:
The Top 9 Sexual Jokes
Number nine:
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
Number eight:
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots! Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, Nothing will."
Number seven:
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman.
They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He cooly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."
Number six:
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Number five:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home early. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
Number four:
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years.
On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. The doctor then suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: "She choked."
Number three:
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
Number two:
A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown"
The small white guy faints!
The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy. "What's wrong?" The small white guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?" The big dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God, I thought you said 'Turn around.'"
--------------------NUMBER ONE----------------:
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!

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Blue Ribbon
Category: Misc.
Advertisement: SShaboat 's Home Page http://www.geocities.com/RodeoDrive/Outlet/3546
Date: 8/22/99
Joke:
I've learned - that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned - that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned - that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned - that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.
I've learned - that you shouldn't compare yourself to others they are more fucked up than you think.
I've learned - that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
I've learned - that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned - that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned - that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
I've learned - that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about
ourselves.
I've learned - that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
I've learned - that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. And all the less important ones just never go away.
I've learned- To say "Fuck them if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

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Category: Misc.
Advertisement: SShaboat 's Home Page http://www.geocities.com/RodeoDrive/Outlet/3546
Date: 7/12/99
Joke: Five Facts about Guys
Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?"
Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget.. he didn't lose your number.. he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Maybe.. next year."

Getting rid of a man can sometimes be a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you.. I want to marry you..I want to have your children."
Sometimes they leave skid marks.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super- heroes.
Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

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Category: Misc.
Advertisement: SShaboat 's Home Page http://www.geocities.com/RodeoDrive/Outlet/3546
Date: 7/22/99
Joke:
 A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed  that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in  place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just  had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate,  "How did you loose your leg?"  The pirate responded,  "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!"  His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked,  "What about your hand. Did you loose it at the same time?"  "No," answered the pirate.  "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."  Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch.  How did you loose your eye?"
 The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and  crapped right in me eye."
 The land-lubber asked,  "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"
  The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"

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Category: Misc.
Advertisement: Visit SShaboats World of Puppets at http://www.bcity.com/puppets
Date: 7/15/99
Joke:
A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom,
decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the
contents and comes across an old brass lamp.

"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home
with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three
wishes.

"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!"

POOF!

He gets his Pepsi and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he
states his second wish.

"I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside."

POOF!

Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.

He tells the genie his third and last wish:

"I wish I'd never have to work ever again."
POOF!

He's back in his government office.

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Category: Misc
Advertisement: SShaboats Puppet MANIA!!!! http://bennyhills.fortunecity.com/barr/486/
Date: 7/20/99

Joke: TRAVEL AGENCY TERMINOLOGY

TOUR GUIDE TERM ...............TRANSLATION
Old world charm .................. .Room and a path
Tropical ................................. Rainy
Majestic setting ..................... A long way from town, at end of dirt road
Options galore ....................... Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway ................ Directions to locate unclear
Some budget rooms ............. Sorry, already occupied
Explore on your own ............ At your own expense
Knowledgeable trip hosts ........They've flown in an airplane before
No extra fees ...................... No extras
Nominal fee ........................ Outrageous charge
Standard ........................... Sub-standard
Deluxe ............................. Barely Standard
Superior accomodations.... One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap
All the amenities .................Two chocolates, two shower caps
Plush ............................. Both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes
Gentle breezes ............... In hurricane alley
Light and airy ................No air conditioning
Picturesque ..................Theme park nearby
24-hour bar .................Ice cubes at additional cost (when available)

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Category: Misc
Advertisement: Flight Attendant#1
Date: 7/22/99
Joke:
  Subject: Something to offend everyone ...
    Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
  A different bar.
  ========================
  Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
  They named him Sum Ting Wong.
  =======================
  What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
  A speech impediment.
  =======================
  What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
  They're hiring.
  =======================
  Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
  Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
  ========================
  Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
  He walks around saying, "Yo"
  ===========================
  What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
  A pimp.
  ======================
  Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
  Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
  ======================
  What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
  A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
  ======================
  How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say "fuck"?
  Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
  =======================
  What's the Cuban national anthem?
  "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
  =======================
  What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
  A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
  A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...
  ~~~~~
  Thought for the day: 
  When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown.
  But it takes only 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them in the head

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Category: Misc.
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 8/22/99
Joke:
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters whenever they had sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
__________________________________________________
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?""You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn intoa pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5am, Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother.
"Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly ... Peter Peter, something or other...."
_________________________________________________________

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .45 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"
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Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You have presented absolutely no evidence to this court supporting your claim that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I never said she was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy."
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To a Man, the Meaning of Success Depends on His Age:

At age 4, . . . success is . . . not peeing in his pants
At age 16, . . . success is . . . "gettin' a little"
At age 50, . . . success is . . . career and family
At age 65, . . . success is . . . "gettin' a little"
At age 90, . . . success is . . not peeing in his pants
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Obituary
Doughboy Dead at 71...

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including: Mrs.Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies. The gravesite was piled high with flours and longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who
"never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, squandering much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a
roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
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Some good jokes, methinks.
How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
"How come?"

What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
They'll never see you coming.

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M.

What do Kodak film have in common with condoms?
Both capture the moment.

Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A scrotum pole!

What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
There'd be too many thank you notes to write.

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!

Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
Is it in?

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One ... Men will screw anything.

Category: Misc.
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 8/25/99
Joke:
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous:
International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.

"My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished."

Hi. Now you say something.

Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave sexy message, I call sooner!

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.

(Direct approach:) "Who are you and what do you want?"

You are growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your will power and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right . . . real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

Have a good joke? Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

Category: Misc.
Advertisement: Fine Art Custom Oil Paintings and Portraits by Gayle Gibson,
http://members.aol.com/gaylgibson/index.htm
Date: 6/3/99
Joke:
What has 72 balls and screws old women?

Bingo

Have a good joke? Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

Last Page Update 02/27/08