Want to see your banner ad here? Click here.

Have a good joke? Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "'Bout what?"

Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?" "Jes' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?" "Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!" "OK. Ummmmm...five?"

Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

 Have a good joke? Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum 8 inches from the trunk.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? 66 Ford Fairlane, 69 Chevrolet Chevelle, 64 Pontiac GTO?

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor s 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

Have a good joke? 
Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or 
e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "'Bout what?"

Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?" "Jes' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?" "Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!" "OK. Ummmmm...five?"

Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

Have a good joke? 
Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or 
e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

u might be a red neck if u belch and fart after a good meal rather than say your compliments to the chef

u might be a red neck if u have 20 cars that don't work and a mobile home

u might be a red neck if u mow your yard and find a car

u might be a red neck if u think golf is when u try to hit the ball up your neighbors hole

u might be a red neck if one of your family members has died after saying "watch this"

u might be a red neck if u let your 13 year old daughter smoke at the table in front of HER kids

u might be a red neck if think foot ball is kicking someone in the balls

Have a good joke? 
Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or 
e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind." One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year. Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?" "I think so," replied the other Redneck. "Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed

Have a good joke? 
Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or 
e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

Two rednecks drive through a gas station to fill up their truck. They notice a sign saying "Enter here for a chance at free sex!" They wander inside and ask the attendant how to enter. The attendant says that they have to guess a number between one and ten. The first guy guesses five. The attendant says, "Sorry, but the number is eight."
The second guy guesses seven and the attendant says, "Sorry, but the number was three."
As the two rednecks drive away, one of them turns to the other and says, "You know, I think that contest was
rigged."
The second guy, the smarter of the two, replies, "Naw, it's on the up and up. My wife won twice last week."

Have a good joke? 
Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or 
e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

Redneck Medical Terms

Benign..........................What you be after you be eight.

Bacteria........................Back door to cafeteria.

Barium.........................What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section..........A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan........................Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize......................Made eye contact with her.

Colic............................A sheep dog.

Coma...........................A punctuation mark.

D&C............................Where Washington is.

Dilate...........................To live long.

Enema..........................Not a friend.

Fester...........................Quicker than someone else.

Fibula...........................A small lie.

G.I.Series....................World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail......................What you hang your coat on.

Impotent......................Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain...................Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff................A Doctor's cane.

Morbid........................A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates.

Node...........................I knew it.

Outpatient...................A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.

Pelvis...........................Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative.............A letter carrier.

Recovery Room...........Place to do upholstery.

Rectum.......................Damn near killed him.

Secretion.....................Hiding something

Seizure........................Roman emperor.

Tablet.........................A small table.

Terminal Illness...........Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor........................More than one.

Urine..........................Opposite of mine.

Varicose......................Near by/close by

Have a good joke? 
Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or 
e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

MARTHA STEWART'S *TIPS FOR REDNECKS *

GENERAL
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive The U- Haul to the funeral home.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say " Monday ". If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say " yes " to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in your sights.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Have a good joke? 
Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or 
e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

These 2 red necks walk into a fast food place and they notice a girl eating chicken. Soon after the girl starts to choke. One of the red necks goes to her and he asks "can you swallow?" she shaks her head no. He asks "can you breath?" she turns blue and shaks her head no. The other red neck run over to her and puts her on the table and pulls down her pants. He licks her from her butt all the way up to her neck. She gets so shocked she spits out the piece of chicken.
The red neck goes " i've heard of the himlick mover, but i never seen it."

Have a good joke? 
Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or 
e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

You Know You're a Redneck When.....

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You've hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.
You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"
You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

Have a good joke? 
Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or 
e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

Category: Red Neck
Advertisement:
Date: 4/25/01
Joke:
You might be a redneck if....
1. you prefer to cut the excess length oof your jeans rather that himming them.
2. you were too drunk to fish
3. you have to recrank your car at every intersection.
4. you go to the family reunion to meet women.
5. you see a sign that says SAY NO TO CRACK! and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.
6. you carry a can of piant to defend your sisters honor.
7. your neigbors walk on your lawn thinking you have a garage sale.
8. you mow your lawn and find a car.
9. your father walks you to school because you are in the same grade.

Have a good joke? 
Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or 
e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

You might be a reneck if.......

The lake has to be restocked after you take a bath.
You have a lucky rabbit's foot in your pocket and a lucky rabbit nailed above your fireplace.
You re-use dental floss to save money.
You've ever drunk mouthwash just because you're too lazy to walk down to the liquor store.
Your homecoming basketball game was rained out.
Your baseball bat "ain't never been used on a ball, but it's sure hit plenty of other things."
You've ever shot a mouse inside your home.

Have a good joke? 
Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or 
e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

You might be a reneck if.......

1.More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
2.You think the stock market has a fence around it.
3.You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
4.You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
5.Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
6.Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
7.You've ever used lard in bed.
8.Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
9.You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
10.You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
11.Your home has more miles on it than your car.
12.Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
13.You've ever been arrested for loitering.
14.You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
15.There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
16.You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
17.You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
18.You own a homemade fur coat.
19.Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
20.Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
21.You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
22.There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
23.Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
24.There is a wasp nest in your living room.
25.The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
26.You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
27.There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
28.You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
29.You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
30.Fewer than half of your cars run.
31.You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
32.The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
33.Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
34.Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
35.Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
36.You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

Have a good joke? 
Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or 
e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

Category: Red Neck
Advertisement: 
Date: 3/25/01

Joke:
How do you Circumcise a redneck? 
Kick his sister in the chin.

Have a good joke? 
Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or 
e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.
"What's logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-eater?"
"I sure do," answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
" That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted, 'AMAZIN?!!!!!!
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" (Bubba is obviously catching on.)
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of! I cain't wait to take this here logic class."
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting. "So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.
"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.
"What in tarnation is logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"
"No."
"You're a queer, ain't ya?"

Have a good joke? 
Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or 
e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

Category: Red Neck
Date: 1/29/01
Joke:What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in one room
A full set of teeth

You might be a red neck if your john boat looks like your wife's pasta strainer

Have a good joke? 
Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or 
e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

Joke: You might be a red neck if you think "The Nuttcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

Have a good joke? 
Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or 
e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

Blue Ribbon:
You might be a red neck if:
Your bathroom deodorizer is a box of kitchen matches.
You think genitalia is an Italian airline.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
You keep empty beer cans in your fridge for your friends that don't drink.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
You think icing is what you do to your front steps before your mother in law comes over.
You drink gas because you found out you can run two and a half miles per hour faster.
You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.
You wonder why there isn't a hairstyle called "The Hat Line."
You send a request to a major fragrance designer to try to recreate the smell of a dead skunk.
Your wife howls at the moon more than your huntin' dogs.
The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they're only twenty years old.
You go swimming in the drainage ditch behind your house.
You think that Australia is ruled by the south because their flags are similar.
You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.
Your only tie is made of leather, silver and turquoise.
You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.
You've ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.
You've ever paid for a 6-pack of beer with pennies.
You have a Bud Light pool table light hanging over your dining room table.
The strongest smell in your house is butane.
Your dog passes gas and you claim it.
You think paprika is a Third World country.
You ask the preacher, "How's it hanging?"
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
Your wedding reception included a beer brunch.
Rather than drinking the sacramental wine at church you "bring your own."
You judge a trips' drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
You clean your fingernails with a stick.
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
You own a denim leisure suit.
Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
You ever hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at work.
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
You cut your toenails in front of company.
You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You call your boss "dude".
You have grease under your toenails.
You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
The primary color of your car is "bondo".
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You've been too drunk to fish.
You've had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You ever used a weedeater indoors.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".
You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
Your mother comes outta the bathroom and says, "Y'all come look at this before flush it!"
You mow your lawn and find a car.
If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that is!
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
Your `huntin' dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three primary colors.
Your idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just the men.
When you see a sign that says, "Say No To Crack!" it reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose! "
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?".
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines" or "Play Ball..."
Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".
You can belch and say your name at the same time.
You sit up all night with a sick dog, but make your wife stay up with a sick kid.
You can fart the first six notes of the Star Spangled Banner.
You can talk for more than 20 minutes on the difference between squirrel and rabbit stew.
You have scars on the back of your hand where Uncle Jeb stabbed you while you were reaching for the last piece of fried chicken.
Your bike has a gun rack on it.
The UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.
Your grandmother has ever stopped by the side of a highway to take a leak.
You ever had sex in a satellite dish.
You hit a bump in the road and lose half of your worldly possessions.
You ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because you ran out of ketchup.
After removing the empty beer cans from your car, you find that it gets fifteen more miles to the gallon.
You know which leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
Anyone in your family died right after saying "Hey, Y'all watch this!".
Your two year old has more teeth than you do.
You refer to the duct tape on your car as "chrome".
Your truck stalled on the expressway. And you never went back for it.
You wish your outhouse were as nice as those at the state park.
The family business needs a lookout.
You've painted a car with house paint.
You think the stock market is a place to buy hogs.
Your mama can back down a biker.
You ever named a child after a dog.
Your truck has a new sunroof because the shotgun fell off the rack when you slammed the door.
Your sister's education goal is to get out of high school before she gets pregnant.
You walk your dog & you both use the same tree down on the corner.
A family feud arises Sunday morning between family members who want to watch Jimmy Swaggart and those who want to watch WWF.
A fancy night out for your family is a jaunt through the drive thru window at Hardee's.
All of your four letter words are two syllables.
Dressing up is wearing the flannel shirt without any rips in it.
Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
Your idea of foreplay is, "Get in the truck, bitch!"
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
The cockroaches left you a note saying, "Clean this place up!"
Your girl wears a dress that is strapless and a bra that is not.
You have to wash your hands before going to the bathroom.
Your mom french kisses better than your sister.
On Sunday's people stop by to ask if you're having a yard sale and you're not.
When you take your trash to the dump and you return home with more stuff than you left with.
Your family tree doesn't fork.
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has gotten into a fistfight at a high school sports event.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You think the best way to keep things cold is to leave 'em in the shade.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
You think the play The King and I is about Elvis.
You ever listed fuzzy dice on an insurance claim.
Your trolling motor used to be a fan in a barber shop.
You list tick removal as a skill on your resume.
You use an ironing board as a knick-knack shelf.
You think the Battle of the Bulge is an argument between your wife and your mother.
You've ever driven around looking for your porch roof after a bad storm.
Your nicest towels say, "Property of Motel 6".
You get your daily requirement of fiber from toothpicks.
The photo on your driver's license includes your dog.

Have a good joke? 
Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or 
e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

Category: Red Neck
Advertisement: Make up to $3/hour surfing the net! http://www.geocities.com/jimbo1bob
Date: 8/29/00
Joke:
Red-Neck computer terms:
Windows 98= Winders 98
OK= ats aw-right
Cancel=stopdat
Reset=Try er agin
My computer=this darned contraption
Yes=yep
No=noop
Go to=over yonder
Back=back yonder
Help=hep me out here
Stop=kwitit
Start=crank er up
Settings=settins
Programs=stuff at duz stuff
Documents=stuff ah done did

Have a good joke? 
Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or 
e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

Have a good joke? 
Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or 
e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

A small redneck Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very "in the mood", and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse,there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.

Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. "Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week
to come up with the $500."

Have a good joke? 
Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or 
e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

Category: Red Neck
Advertisement: Deco
Date: 06/00
Joke: MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS

GENERAL:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine from the box, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Have a good joke? 
Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or 
e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

Category: Red Neck
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 3/99
Joke:
BUBBA AND EARL

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl.
They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"
"No sir," said Earl, "We're on the patch."

Have a good joke? 
Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or 
e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

Category: Red Neck
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 2/99
Joke:
Billy-Bob was walking into town one day wearing nothing but his gun and his boots. Just as he began walking down Main Street he was confronted by the Sheriff.
"Hey, Billy-Bob, ya mind if I ask you what you are doin' walkin' down Main Street wearin' nothin' but your gunbelt and boots?"
"Well Sheriff, it's a long story."
"I ain't going nowhere", said the Sheriff.
"Well Sheriff, a couple hours ago I ran into Mary Lou in the saloon. We had ourselves a couple of drinks and then we started to feelin' kinda frisky and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out to the barn?' So we did. Then we started getting real close and cuddin' and smoochin' and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out back and go up to the top of the hill.' So we did."
He continued, "We started cuddlin' and smoochin' some more and the next thing I know, Mary Lou had taken off all her clothes and she suggested that I do the same. So I did, all except my gunbelt and boots. then Mary Lou laid down on the ground and spread her legs apart and said 'Okay,Billy-Bob, go to town'. And, here I am Sheriff.

Have a good joke? 
Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or 
e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

Category: Red Neck
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke: You might be a redneck if...

You ever cut your grass and found a car.
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
You've ever stolen toilet paper.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You've ever had to scratch your sister's name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call.."

Have a good joke? 
Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or 
e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

Category: Red Neck
Advertisement: Visit SShaboats World of Puppets at http://www.bcity.com/puppets
Date: 7/10/99
Joke:A LETTER FROM A REDNECK MOTHER TO HER DAUGHTER:

Dear Child,
        I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We  don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.  I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived  here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have  to change their address. This place is real nice. It even has a washing  machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though. Last week I put a   load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.    The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The  first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days.    The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a   little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut  them  off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral  home. They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave,  up  she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried   because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.    Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is  yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a  girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it  Mom.     Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him    out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he   burned for three days.    Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was  driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two  friends  were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate  down.    There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.    Love, Mom    PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already  sealed. 

Have a good joke? 
Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or 
e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

Category: Red Neck
Advertisement: Brochures, Newsletters, Printing by Gibson Fine Art & Design
Date: 6/15/99
Joke:
You know you are a redneck when you think a 401k is your mother-in-laws bra size.

Have a good joke? 
Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or 
e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

© Copyright 2003  by Spruance Enterprises
All rights reserved  www.spruance.com 
To avoid copyright problems please attach the following to any jokes that you cut and paste from this Web Site:

Please pass this Redneck Jokes Site location on to your friends: http://www.spruance.com/redneck.htm
Have a good joke? 
Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or 
e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com

Last Page Update 02/27/08