School Kids Jokes - Little Johnny Says ......

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Last Page Update 02/27/08

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Subject: Little Johnny
Little Johnny asks: "Daddy, how was I born?"
Ol' Dad Says:
Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on AOL.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from
my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither
one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete
button, nine months later a blessed little pop-up appeared and said:
"You've Got Male!"

Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing.

He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?" The dad answered, "Playing Cards." Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner? The dad answered, " Your Mom."

Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing? The sister answered, 'Playing Cards." Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner? She answered, 'My boyfriend."

A little later, the Dad got up and as he passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son, "what are you doing?" Little Johnny answered, "Playing Cards."

The Dad asked, "Really? Whose your partner?"

Little Johnny answered, "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!"

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Subject: I want a 10 speed bike for my birthday
For his birthday Little Tommy asked for a 10-speed bicycle.His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw Little Tommy heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Tommy told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike."

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Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian and a black kid are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says "Okay." They all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out "That's nothing, "says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the black kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and width. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow that thing is huge!" they exclaim. That night, eating dinner at home, the black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book... and during recess, my friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest penis. "What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother. "Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm black. Is that true, Mom?" The Mom replies: "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out to be a beautiful affair," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table," says Johnny, "my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful,... just fucking beautiful!'"

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Well, we're not having THAT sort of shit in our garden!.

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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Mary said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good, " said the teacher."Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't fuck with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking"

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The mind of a six year old is wonderful.
First Grade.....true story.
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy S*#!! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. >>

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A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
the third grade too!"
The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.
While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnny: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her,
"I think Johnny can go to the third grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Johnny both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Johnny replied, pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Johnny: "Pants."
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"
Johnny: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself."

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A high-school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.  A smart-assed jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.  When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "You can write with your other hand!" 

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Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day and found him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick. In an attempt to hide his full erection, Johnny's father bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously, "What ya doin', Dad?"
His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed."
Johnny replied, "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"

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Final Exam

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for
serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A
smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual
exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,
shakes her head, and sweetly says, "You can write with your other hand."

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One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either, "
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you your $2."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Marvin replied,"I know -- in my heart I knew it was Moses,but business is business."

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It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her  grades. There really is nothing to do. All the kids are restless.  The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly, can leave early today."  Bobby says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart, and I'll answer the question."  The teacher asks, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years ago'?"  Before Bobby could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln."  The teacher said, "That's right Susie, You may go."  Bobby was mad as hell that Susie answered first.  The teacher asked "Who said 'I have a dream'?"  Before Bobby could open his mouth Mary said, "Martin Luther King."  "That's right Mary, you can go," said the teacher.  Bobby was even madder than before.  The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?"  Before Bobby could say anything, Nancy said "John F. Kennedy."  Bobby was boiling mad. Then the teacher turned her back, and Bobby said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut."  The teacher yelled, "WHO SAID THAT?"  Bobby said, "Bill Clinton, Can I go now?" 

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>LITTLE JOHNNY ON GRAMMAR 
>
>One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from
>those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little
>Suzy, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she
>looked beautiful in it."
>
>"Very good, Suzy," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
>"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
>
>"Excellent, Michael!"
>
>Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner
>table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful... just fucking beautiful!'"

>LITTLE JOHNNY ON SEX
>
>Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him
>sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his penis in preparation of
>sex with his wife. Johnny's father in attempt to hide his full erection with a
>condom on it bent over as if to look under the bed.
>
>Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?" His father quickly
>replied,"I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed."
>
>To which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do,fuck him?"

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Category: Kids
Advertisement:JMc1
Joke:
Mom's Sponge
Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He points at her bush and asks, 'What's that Mommy?' A little embarrassed, she tells him that is her sponge. Tommy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys.
Some time later, Tommy catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini season. Tommy asks her, 'Where is your sponge mommy? 'Again embarrassed she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon.
Tommy is a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her find it. His mother says OK and goes back to showering. Soon, Tommy comes running back in and says that he has found his mother's sponge. 'What do you mean you found my sponge? Where? ''The lady next door has it and she's washing daddy's face with it!'

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>A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy.
>The little boy says, "Dark in here."
>The man says, "Yes, it is."
>Boy - "I have a baseball."
>Man - "That's nice."
>Boy - "Want to buy it."
>Man - "No, thanks."
>Boy - "My dad's outside."
>Man - "OK, how much?"
>Boy - "$25.00"
>In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are again in the closet together.
>Boy - "Dark in here."
>Man - "Yes, it is."
>Boy - "I have a baseball mitt."
>The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, "How much?"
>Boy - "$75.00"
>Man - "Fine."
>A few days later, the father says to the boy, Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth." The boy says, "I can't, Isold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
>Boy "$100.00"
>The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
>That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and he closes the door.
>The boy says, "Dark in here."
>The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

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Category: Kids 
Advertisement: "PATENT YOUR IDEA YOURSELF . WITHOUT AN ATTORNEY." New book contains ALL needed data and forms. $29.95 plus $2.00 Shipping. Info E-mail: ramblersoup@neteze.com
Date: 9/9/00
Joke:
Two little boys were dressing for school, when one said to the other: Mickey, I am 8 and you are 6, don't you think it is about time we started cussing?
Yeah!
Then, let's do this: Today I will say damn and you say hell, okay?
You bet!
The kids tumbled downstairs into the kitchen, where Mom asked: Johnny, what do you want for breakfast?"
"Oh, I guess I'll just have some of that damn cereal."
Mom whacked him good and sent him upstairs without anything to eat. Then asked the other boy, "Now, Mickey, what do you want for breakfast?"
"Well, I don't know, but it sure as hell isn't going to be cereal."

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A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt.

"GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!" she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN HAVE TEETH DOWN THERE!"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened. So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women have teeth down below.
By the time he reaches 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action.
After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further.
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" while pointing to her privates.
"HELL NO!" he cries. "You've got teeth down there."
"No I don't," she responds.
"Yes, you do," he says. "My mom told me that you do."
"No, I don't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.
No, I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there."
"Oh for Christ's sake!" she screams. With that, she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, Idon't have any teeth down there."
He replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised.

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A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"  Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the  third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"  The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take  the test.  Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"  Johnny: "9"  Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"  Johnny: "36"  And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade."  The teacher says to the principal, "May I ask him some questions?"  The principal and Johnny both nod in agreement.  The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"  Johnny, after a moment: "Legs."  Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"  The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer. Johnny replied, "Pockets."  The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last two questions." 

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  P.S.: How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?  

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Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. She usually slept through the class.  One day the teacher called on her while she was napping ... "Tell me Mary, who created the Universe?" 
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. 
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary. 
The teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back to sleep. 
A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" 
Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 
"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary. 
And the teacher said, "Very good." and Mary fell back to sleep. 
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" 
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. 
This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half." 
The teacher fainted.

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Barber Shop
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands directly next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his haircut, eating her snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "I know. I'm gonna get boobs too."

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Category: School
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 2/99
Joke:At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth".
The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your father a big hug."

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Category: School
Advertisement: Visit SShaboats World of Puppets at http://www.bcity.com/puppets
Date: 7/08/99
Joke:
Wisdom from the wise
------------------------------

Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. (Emily,10)

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the
phone. (Alyesha, 13)

Never trust a dog to watch your food. (Patrick, age 10)

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?", don't answer him.
(Heather, 16)

Never tell your mom her diet's not working. (Michael,14)

Stay away from prunes. (Randy, 9)

Never pee on an electric fence. (Robert, 13)

Don't squat with your spurs on. (Dakota, 13)

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
(Taylia,11)

Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school
assignment. (Traci, 14)

Don't sneeze in front of your mom when you're eating crackers.
(Mitchell,12)

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tictac. (Andrew,9)

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. (Kyoyo, 9)

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. (Armir,9)

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.(Kellie,11)

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. (Naomi,15)

Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. (Lauren, 9)

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. (Joel,10)

Never try to baptize a cat. (Eileen, 8)

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Category: School
Advertisement: Visit the Home Page named "Site of the Month by Frugals Squirrel's Patriot Home page: Firearms and Freedom: The Armed Citizen.
Date: 6/8/99
Joke: Every Friday, Mrs. Thompson gives her 3rd grade English class an oral spelling test. Each
student must know the correct spelling of each word and be able to either define it or use it
in sentence.

One particular Friday, Mrs Thompson called on Anthony to spell the word dictate. The small
boy rose to his feet and said "dictate..... D-I-C-T-A-T-E ... dictate".

The teacher told him what a wonderful job he had done and then asked Violisha to use the word
in a sentence. That be easy she said with a smile as she stood to her feet... "Dictate...
Last night daddy's dictate funny".

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Last Page Update 02/27/08