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Senior Citizen Jokes and Seasoned Citizen Jokes
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My long-passed grandmother's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce.
The long walks we used to take. The long drives, the special trips she would make to pick
me up so I could spend weekends with her, and the advice she used to give! Much was wasted
because I was young when she died. If she were alive today and sharing her pearls of wisdom,
I'd be a better man.Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in crown
of grandmotherly advice, came when I was only 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children
and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I'd find
a woman and start my own family.
"And son," she said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
"How come, Grandma?" I asked her.
> She said... "makes your pecker look bigger."
A little old lady in the nursing home held up her
clenched fist and announced, "Anyone who can guess what I have in my
closed
hand can have SEX with me tonight!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear called out, "An elephant!".
She replied, "Close enough!"
Aging -
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art."
"Really," answered the neighbor," What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Blue Ribbon: The Beaver
An 80 year old man went to his doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor asks
him how he's feeling. The 80 year old says, "I've never felt better. I have
an 18 year old bride who is pregnant with my child.
What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and says, "I have a
friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was
going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella rather
than his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the
stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went; "Bang, bang," and
the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother
asking him to send her a current picture of himself in his new location. Too
embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in
half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the picture .
He is really worried when he realizes he has sent the wrong half. But then he
remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother; it says:
"Thanks for the picture. Change your hair style--it makes your nose look
too short."
A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex!
Supersex!"
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him,
she again said, "Supersex!"
The old man sat silently for a moment or two looking up at her.
Finally he answered, "I'll take the soup."
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your
day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of
misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your
sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister,
who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts,
"I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old
man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing,
DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own
fares ... Now what do we tell them for Christmas?
An older couple was lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and
wanted to talk. She said: "you used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get
back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "then you use to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said :"then you use to bite my neck"
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going ?"she asked.
"To get my teeth!
Blue Ribbon:
Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida
forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's
office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story
is a credit to all human kind. Read it and forward it to all those who could
use a lift.
Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,
God blesses you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
citizen's luncheon.
I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the
Aged.
All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to
know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an
old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received
one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The
other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces.
It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.
Life is good.
Sincerely,
Edna
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. "Sixty is the
worst
age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And
most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you
can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet
all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of
all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a
flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?"
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight.
You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so
tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
There was an old guy wandering around the supermarket calling out, "Crisco,
Crisssco!"
Finally a store clerk approached. "Sir,
the Crisco is in aisle five."
"Oh," replied the old gentleman,
"I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife."
"Your wife is named "Crisco?"
"Nah," he answered, "I only
call her that when we're out in public."
"Oh? What do you call her when you are
at home?"
"Lard ass."
A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written
envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady,
distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for
the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some divine intervention. The worker
organizes a collection among the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96
dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning. A week later, the same
postal worker recognizes the same handwriting on another envelope. He opens it and read,
"Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so bleak
otherwise." "P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving
bastards at the Post Office."
OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make
love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and
you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the
garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you
don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of
by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to
take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the
parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
A Sad Story
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled
the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He
gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning
against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even
greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with
both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table
were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it
heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table,
landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the
wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly
bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its
way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by
a spatula from his wife:
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant
for wearing very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man
enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the
counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location
of the raisin bread he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin
bread, please," the man says politely. The clerk nods and climbs up a
ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf.
The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an
excellent view, just as he had surmised he would be. Once she descends the
ladder he muses that he really should get 2 loaves as he is having company for
dinner. As the clerk retrieves the 2nd loaf of bread, one of the
other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he
also requests his own loaf of raisin bread so that he can continue to enjoy the
view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the
eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male customer is asking
for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After a few
trips the clerk is tired and irritated and thinking that she is really going to have
to try this raisin bread for herself. Finally, once again atop the
ladder, she stops and rests, glancing at the men standing below. She notices an
elderly man standing amongst the throng staring up at her.
Thinking to save herself a trip she yells, "Is yours raisin too?"
"No," croaks the feeble old man..."But it's startin'
to twitch.
                   
Last Page Update
01/14/09
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